[???]
-Oh, slicing these little - oh, excuse me.
-Oh, yeah.
-Getting sliced [indistinct].
-Pre-sliced [indistinct] olives.
-Well, that's easy for you to say, Mr. Johnson.
-It certainly is.
-Mr. Johnson is having problems talking today.
-[Laban laughs] -I'm Larry Bly.
-I'm Laban Johnson.
-[both] And we're Cookin' Cheap .
-That's what we're doing.
-Hm-mm, we can still do it.
-And frying beef and whatever.
-And doing all kinds of things.
I gotta tell you a funny story.
-Tell me a story.
-Today, a bunch of the people that I used to work with before I retired took me out to lunch.
-[laughs] -So, it is today the 55th anniversary of my nativity, and - -Let's hear it for his birthday, ladies and gentlemen, yeah.
-[applause] -Double nickels, double nickels.
-Five-five.
-Well, anyway, so they thought they would embarrass me - -One of the guys was whistling at you.
-We went to one of these really kind of uptown lunch places, Mac and Maggie's, you know, out near your house.
-[laughs] -And they brought all - you know, I don't like public displays where they bring a cake in and all that.
Well, of course, they did that to me.
But beforehand, they brought me this great, big, huge bunch of Happy Birthday balloons, all swelled up about this size apiece.
-Oh, no, not those.
-And I had to take them to the table with me and it had a little weight on the bottom and stand up.
-Don't tell me one of them got away and the cow choked on it.
-No, no.
-That happens every time.
That's what - -Better than that.
-Oh, okay.
-We're leaving, and they give me the balloons so I will have to carry them out and look like Bozo the Clown and everything.
So, I'm going along, holding the balloons like this and I ran into an electric fan on the ceiling.
[laughs] It was truly funny.
Only one of them exploded and I was able to get out with my life, but people were yelling, "Ah, no, no, no!"
Yes, indeed.
-That's terrible.
-A big bunch of helium balloons in a ceiling fan.
Hm-mm, worthy of the Three Stooges .
-Today, we are doing Beef Casseroles.
-Oh, wait a minute.
Let me tell you why, if we can have the witch come in.
-Well, wait a minute, wait.
We have to hold up - -Oh, no.
Here comes Doris with a birthday cake.
-I haven't seen that many candles since - what city burned down?
I can't remember.
But - -[blows] Atlanta.
-Look!
Such breath control.
-Since Atlanta burned.
Don't tell me these are those fake candles.
-Doris, you've gotten those candles at [indistinct].
[Doris] No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
-Oh, look at that cake.
Did you make that?
-[Doris] Yeah.
-Woo!
-Oh, look at that.
Doris made this lovely birthday tribute.
Bless your heart.
Well, Lord put it away - -Did you really?
-[Doris] Yeah.
-Yes.
Look at this, she made roses and chicory blossoms.
They're gorgeous.
-It's just really wonderful.
-I'm just so touched.
-And there she goes.
-Well, anyway, back to the show.
-[laughs] We never actually had [indistinct] to the show.
-Bring the witch in, send us the witch.
Well, at least she didn't fly in your spoons.
There she goes.
All right, let's see, and this will tell us why we're doing this show.
'Cause I pre-read it.
"Dear Boys, Winston and I have a problem.
"We are filthy rich and have eaten out for years.
"We have a marvelous cook who works for us every day also.
"She insisted we write to you for casserole recipes "we can use while entertaining our trashier friends.
Can you help?"
And it's signed Mr. and Mrs. R. Winston Upsnort of Rice Willow, Wisconsin.
-Oh, the Upsnort family.
-Well, these are casseroles that are just about the lowdownest we can find.
-Well, I don't know.
I'm doing a Pizza Casserole and it seems like right respectable to me.
It sure did smell mighty nice, but it takes an awful lot of time.
I think it'd be cheaper and a lot easier to make a pizza.
-And mine was sent in by Betty Mayes of Salem, Virginia.
Thank you, Betty.
And it's a Taco Casserole, and it looks real good.
-I have to fry, actually brown, a pound of beef, very lean.
And I need to put some wide noodles.
This calls for wide.
These are Hearty.
-Hearty.
-Laurel and Hardy noodles.
And I'm gonna stick those in and you fix them according to package instructions which is about ten minutes or eight minutes al dente, for those of you who are keeping score.
-All right.
And I've got my hamburger meat, and it's just a pound of it in here.
And, you know, you could help yourself.
I gotta drain it, so - -Oh, no.
-Oh, can you hold that bag?
-Hold what bag?
-Just open it up so I can drain the grease into - -You're gonna drain this down past my fingers?
-No, actually - well, it's so hot.
I hate to put it in there and burn a hole in the concrete floor.
Better your fingers than the floor around here.
-It's just as well that you don't have to see this.
That's enough.
-Oh.
Well, you know - -That's enough.
-I don't wanna fill up the one artery that I have left.
All right, now, to this one pound, you have to add a package of taco mix.
I guess you could use just any kind convenient.
And if you were of Hispanic nature, you probably could make your own and not have to buy it in a mix.
But - -I'm using up some of Marty's lowdown onions I found in his apartment this weekend.
And they really are pretty horrible.
I have to add some onion, which is not called for in the recipe proper, but it says first thing to fry with onions.
So, you'll have to remember that.
-You know, I wish we could tell all of you how funny it is to get the recipes that we get.
And please, keep sending them to us.
But some of them, hm, are a scream when you try to decipher stuff and you forget to put an ingredient in.
-Doesn't say a thing about onions.
First thing it says in the recipe is "Fry the beef with onions."
So, remember that.
I'm gonna fry that with onions and we're also gonna put a big old green pepper, just an ordinary pepper in there.
-A bell pepper.
-A bell pepper of the bell variety.
So, I'm gonna do that and you start frying, that's the first thing you do.
Yes, Johnson?
-Well, now, I have to open up a can of chicken broth.
Of course, if you were real hoity-toity, you'd have your own made up.
But we're not, and there's nothing wrong with it coming out of a can.
And if you're salt sensitive, you can find many manufacturers now that has sodium free.
-Although, it does make people in New York, when they watch our show, very, very upset when we open cans in there.
That lady up there said we only knew how to open cans.
She's out of business now.
-Well, yeah, and we're not.
So, that's two cups of chicken broth and a quarter cup of all-purpose flour.
And Doris has used this lovely Tupperware.
And is this pre-measured, Doris?
So, all I have to do is dump it in.
She's so wonderful - -A pre-measured show.
-Uh-huh, getting all that together for me.
-We'll have this stuff down pat before it's over with.
-Now, let me see.
Let me use a whisk here to whisk this baby up.
This is a quarter cup of flour and two cups of chicken broth.
And just whisk it up real good.
And when it's all mixed up, add it to your meat with the taco seasoning on it.
So, that's all for that.
-Okay.
I put the onions in there and now I'm going to put peppers [indistinct].
Whoa!
There we go.
-That's highly odiferous.
-Mm-hm.
Brownin' that stuff up real good.
-All right, now, my chicken broth and the flour will eventually - after this stuff comes to a boil, it will thicken.
And you just have to trust yourself on this and let it come up to a boil and it will get thick.
In the meantime, I'm going to work on some other stuff that we need.
We're gonna have to put in some sour cream.
That's a cup of sour cream.
And how many - about eight or nine ounces or seven ounces of chopped green chili peppers.
These are the nice ones that are fire roasted.
And I'm gonna use two cans because that's eight ounces and a little few more won't hurt anybody.
-Two cans, aren't those birds?
-Yes, they are.
They have great, big, attractive beaks.
-[laughs] -Sort of like yourself, sir.
-Grind up two toucans and put them in there.
-Yup.
Your snoot is kind of red, too, from being out in the sun so much.
-Look at this, look at this.
Don't I have lovely parsley?
-Oh, did that come out of your yard again?
-Right out of my little herb garden and I need to wash it.
-Mine is growing really well, too.
Now, let me see.
I gotta get this lid open.
I want to thank everybody that's been sending us can openers and stuff.
It's been highly helpful.
Now, let's see.
This is coming - let me turn this up a little bit here.
And it's beginning to thicken up, that flour, all those little pieces of flour have little hands like this, and they're clutched in fists.
And when they get boiling fiery hot, they just pop open like that, and they grab each other.
And that holds the liquid together, that's what happens when this thickens up.
-What in the world are you talking about?
-Well, I was just telling people about the gluten in flour.
-Oh, gluten in flour.
-But I didn't wanna confuse them, you know.
I'm trying to talk to the simpletons in our audience.
[laughs] -[laughs] Gluten in flour, oh.
-But you see how that's thickening up now.
That's just perfect.
-So, it's the gluten that causes it to - -It's the gluten.
Now, of course, we'll get some agronomist from some state university that will call up and get highly offensed at the very idea of us trying to explain something like that, but that's alright.
-I wonder if my noodles are al dente.
-I know your noodle is.
Look at that head.
-My noodle has been soft for years.
-Oh.
All right, now there we go.
-Well, you know, they're slippery.
-All right, now, I got to put in the two cans of minced chilies.
-No, they're not done yet.
They won't stick on the wall.
-Oh.
-Remember when we used to do that?
-Yes.
-It's better when you do it with spaghetti.
You can't do it with noodles.
They're not quite ready yet.
-All right, now.
There is that can in.
-I'm gonna chop up a little of my parsley.
Gosh, this is pretty parsley.
I just love parsley.
-Pretty parsley.
-Hm-mm.
-That sounds like something a parrot would say.
-I am shocked that so many Americans refuse to eat parsley, because it is so wonderful.
And that goes in there also.
-Well, I don't mind eating it.
It just sometimes will give me a little indigestion.
-I need to pull that off.
Something is ringing.
What is that?
-I heard it, too, but I don't know.
-I don't know what it is.
It has thrown my pace off.
-[laughs] Sound like an old race horse.
-It's something that she brought along.
You might know.
What is it?
Oh, Laban's is done.
In other words, Laban, perhaps you should be moving in the direction of something or the oven.
-Oh, no, I don't think so.
Not yet.
-You see this line of pepperoni?
Take that and cut it in half.
I'm gonna do mine a little more than that.
And then, you need to separate them out.
That takes more time than the rest of the recipe does.
Just separate them out like that.
-All right, there that goes.
-Because you're gonna throw that in there.
This pepperoni is gonna be wonderful.
But I have a funny feeling it's gonna make it a little greasy.
It calls for an ungreased baking dish, much as this one.
And I can understand why, because with all this pepperoni in here - although the beef has cooked down totally dry, which is what you want.
You want it to brown.
And that will keep it from getting too bad.
Well, I've cut mine a little bit smaller pieces than called for because I don't like great big old wads of pepperoni coming at me when I'm trying to eat.
So, at this point, we've pulled this down a little bit, so it won't burn.
And in a few minutes, I'll add the rest of the stuff that goes in here.
And I'll tell you one thing, they won't get this thing clean for a year because that stuff is baked in there.
I'm gonna add the pepperoni in there now.
Put that in there.
Go ahead, Johnson.
-Now, you need an 11-ounce sack of tortilla chips.
And I'm just crushing them up a little bit.
And you dump them in the bottom of a - -[Doris] Half.
-Half.
-[Laban laughs] -Oh, these will be real tasty.
-Now we know why, now we know why Doris gets paid, you know, 60,000 dollars a year on this program because she yells "Half, only use half of them, Laban."
-All right, okay.
Well, there they are.
They're on the bottom.
-[laughs] Were you supposed to crush those up or anything?
-Larry, yes, I don't know.
Ah, I'm just nervous.
-Okay.
I gotta add something before this burns which I think whoops, too late.
I gotta add a whole can of tomato sauce.
That is 15 ounces.
And I thought this was a little heavy-handed, but then, what isn't these days?
You have to take a whole can of tomato paste.
Normally, in a recipe like this, you think you'd only use like a tablespoonful.
I was - -Oh, Doris.
Let me get over here and - oh, don't be - you'll burn yourself.
-Put the whole can in there.
Oh, listen to them back there, having a real problem in the background.
-Well Doris was about to go up.
-Doris, have you checked mine to see if mine is burning?
Oh, okay.
I don't know whether-- -I gotta tell you, -I should trust her or not.
-[Laban] --this is the first thing we've ever cooked on this show that actually baked right in advance.
-So anyway, that goes in there.
Mix that all around.
Tomato paste, that's a lot of tomato paste.
-That sounds like you're trying to get them to do the Hokey Pokey while they're cooking.
-Oh, don't mention the Hokey Pokey.
We'll have to pay that man for rights on there.
-Larry, yours isn't quite right yet.
-[laughs] It isn't likely to be anytime soon.
You wanna [indistinct].
That all goes in there.
I'm gonna cut this down because there's just no need for it to be turned on at this point.
We add sliced ripe olives.
Best to just buy them in the can, there's nothing can be accomplished by standing around slicing olives.
I'm sorry, there are just some things in life that aren't worth - a bunch of people were talking at a party the other night about how good that pre-minced garlic stuff that you get in a can.
It's good stuff.
-Yeah, I use it, it is.
-You know, it's as close to the real thing as you can get without actually doing the - -Well, it is real.
-I know it's real, but you know.
-But you just don't have to stand there and stink up your fingers.
-You don't have to stand there and chop it all day, and that's wonderful - anything that's a convenience.
I need to add Italian seasoning.
I think two teaspoons of dried Italian seasoning at this point.
Oh, it's alright, Doris.
Don't knock yourself out.
I'll just come up with something here.
-Well, I have to have a half a cup of-- -That's two.
-[Laban] --chopped green onions, so that's what I'm doing right now.
I think that's enough.
-I'm going to give my recipe.
Is that okay?
-Yes, why don't you do that.
-Why don't I do that while I'm mixing all these final hoo-ha in there?
Seven ounces, four cups of uncooked wide egg noodles, a half a pound of lean ground beef, don't forget your onion.
You need one.
It's not listed but it calls for it.
A cup of chopped green bell pepper, two teaspoons of dried Italian seasoning which I just added.
One package of pepperoni slices halved, one can of sliced ripe olives, that's one of those little bitty ones, drained, 15-ounce can of tomato sauce, six-ounce can of tomato paste, eight ounces - that's two cups of shredded mozzarella cheese.
Oh, I'm so glad I read that.
That's gotta go in.
And some chopped fresh parsley also.
Listen to Harold back there laughing.
Two bags of pre-done mozzarella.
You put one in, and you mix it in, and you save another little bag similar to that, which we will put on top later on.
So, you fold this in at this point.
-All right.
Woo!
[laughs] I just shot green onions from here to Dixie.
All right, in my recipe, I've got to chop or dice up some cheddar or you can use Monterey Jack, and we're using cheddar today.
And just grate it up.
You need about - -Is that mine?
'Cause I have to be somewhere in eight minutes.
-Uh-huh.
Oh, get out of here.
-[Larry laughs] -So, I'm - oh, Lord, Doris.
I'm getting tired just from grating the cheese.
-Uh-oh.
We'll need to call in the assist - you want me to do it?
Let me do it.
-No, that's alright.
[indistinct] to do it.
-I'm standing by.
Oh, my noodles have gone too long.
Now, we're gonna have soppy noodles.
-Well here, just grate my cheese while you're doing the noodles too.
-Drain my noodles.
I gotta drain those babies in a colander.
-Here, Doris is gonna do it.
-The lovely Doris has been called in, ladies and gentlemen, to help us out on sound stage number two.
[laughs] -All right, now, I've got about five or six ounces of chips and I'm gonna put half of this oozy-goozy mixture with the hamburger and everything into here.
And Doris and I have discovered an error in this recipe and we're gonna correct it but - -What'd they leave out?
-Salsa.
-[laughs] Well, yeah, that's [indistinct] important.
-So, we're gonna put it in.
Now we got half of the mixture there.
And now, we're gonna put in the salsa.
Here it is right here.
We're gonna put in about half a cup of salsa.
-Is this mild salsa or is this - -I don't know.
What is it, Doris?
Is it mild?
-Is it heavy-duty salsa?
It's mild?
Would it be better if we put in the schnappy peppy kind?
-[Doris] Maybe.
[laughs] -You know, I don't care for it when it's real hot.
-I don't either.
I've gotten to the age where everything just kind of comes back on me.
-Uh-huh.
All right, now you put in half the salsa and - -Well, I'm sorry.
-Half of the green onions.
-I'm over 30 and things - -And we're gonna spread all of this in like that.
Do we put in some cheese?
All of the cheese, all right.
-A bunch of weisenheimers here today.
Spread the cheese.
There he goes.
-Doris kindly came in and saved me.
-That's okay.
-It's funny, just little stuff like that, I just get out of breath.
-I need to add my noodles to this mess, ladies and gentlemen.
You take your noodles now, drain them.
Oh, did you hear that noodle hit that stove?
-Uh-huh.
Do we put in - we don't put any more chips in the - oh, we do?
-And you mix all this stuff up at this point.
Mix the noodles and the goop and the cheese.
-What did I do with those other chips?
Here they are.
-All that stuff mixed up.
And as you can see, you got to start out with a fairly large pan because you'll be in trouble like I was yesterday, I had to move it all to something else.
-Yeah, this needs a - this is a 9 x 13 baking pan, and it will take every bit of it.
And now, you put in the other load of hamburger.
-That's a right long recipe.
-Yes, it is.
But this is enough for four or five, six people so - depending on how hungry they are and what else you're serving.
And this would actually be a great casserole, either one of these, for a party.
[Larry] Yeah, that's for sure.
-All right, now [indistinct] that in.
And now we put in the rest of the salsa.
-And hopefully, you're gonna tell us what's in this mess sometime.
-Yes.
Oh, I haven't done that, have I?
Let's do that.
I have got in this recipe from Betty Mayes in Salem, Virginia a pound of lean ground beef, one package of Lowry's taco spices and seasonings, two cups of chicken broth, a quarter cup of all-purpose flour, a cup of dairy sour cream, one seven-ounce can of diced green chilies, one 11-ounce package of corn or tortilla chips, two cups of grated Monterey Jack or cheddar cheese, and a half a cup of sliced green onions with the tops.
So, I'm gonna put the rest of the green onions on here.
Of course, I did have a little cooking accident over here.
And they did go a long distance, but there they are.
-Is this gonna be over soon, Mr. Johnson?
-Yes.
And then, you sprinkle more of this on it and put it in the oven and bake it for about 20 minutes at 350.
And then, you have to let it stand about four minutes before you try to serve it.
-It didn't take this long to rebuild Atlanta.
-Well.
[laughs] -Can I finish this recipe?
-Yes.
-Okay, take this - I'm trying to be nice.
And turn this into a great big old baking dish and you don't have to put any grease in it because I think that with the hamburger and with all the other stuff that's in there, it'll be just fine.
And what you do, once you do that, is you take the rest of your cheese and put it on top and spread it around and you bake it at 350 degrees for 25 to 35 minutes.
-Oh, no.
I've knocked the pig cockeyed.
-And when it gets finished, it looks like this.
It looks like tomatoes, it looks like that.
Pretty much like it did when it went in, I think.
Anyway, it's hot.
We'll get it over here.
-All right, let me give you a - -Now, how am I gonna get - wait a minute, this has gotta go on something.
It's red hot.
That's where it's gonna stay, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't hold it anymore and I don't have anything to - -Oh, just run on down the hall.
It's a little room with a man on it.
-I don't have anything to dip it with.
-Now you're on my mic cord.
[laughs] Your chair has gotten it.
Thank you.
-The indignities of the Cookin' Cheap - -Oh, it's just terrible.
-Here, have some of this.
-I'm afraid I'm gonna sit down on this and go all the way to China.
This chair is rickety.
-Well, this looks real pretty and smells good, too.
I think yours'll probably be a little more exciting than mine.
-Oh, let's see.
I'll try yours and you try mine.
-Where in the world did I pick that up?
-What?
-[laughs] I don't know.
-You got the pinkeye again?
[laughs] -[laughs] Pinkeye.
You don't hear much about that anymore.
-No, you don't.
-When I went to school, that was a big problem.
There were a few others we won't talk about.
But anyway, now, what's this stuff?
-It's a Taco Casserole and yours is a Pizza Casserole and tastes exactly like pizza.
-I like the Taco Casserole.
I do, Laban.
I think that's a real - -Well, both of these seem to be right good.
Let me try - -A real good little recipe.
And you know, the kids would like it.
I think they would.
-Mm-mm.
-Now, chew your food.
-I am.
-We have lots of time.
For once, we have time to chew it 20 times.
-These are really good.
-Every single bite, mm, mm, mm.
-Ooh, thank you for sending these recipes in and keep them coming.
-Mine was from the unknown viewer.
We seem to have a lot of those.
-Well, there are some people out there, for some reason, that are just so afraid of having their name on public television where you can be labeled bad words.
-That's because we've had so many of our viewers sued down through the years.
-Right.
-No, I'm just joking.
-Or ambushed or other terrible things.
But anyway, yes, we get a lot of recipes anonymous.
-That pizza stuff is good.
I do like it.
That's gonna be a big hit with the staff.
-And this Taco Casserole is wonderful, and it is zippy.
-This will be a big hit with the staff 'cause you know, all they eat is pizza around here.
They don't know what real food is.
-Right.
Well, you know, they cut their coupons out and that's all they can afford.
-That's true.
-It's terrible that things have come to that.
-Well, and the birthday cake.
-Yes.
-Bring the birthday cake back out.
We need the birthday cake.
Just go, Doris, don't get under the camera.
Just do it, baby.
She's afraid she's gonna be seen on camera.
-She is.
-Can you believe that?
-Well, thanks, everybody, for your felicitations at my birthday.
-I beg your pardon.
I didn't know you were allowed to say that on television.
-And thank you one and all.
-Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday, dear Laban.
Happy Birthday to you.
-[All] Happy Birthday to you.
-What a cacophonous birthday.
Happy Birthday, dear Laban.
Happy Birthday to you.
-With Pizza Casserole?
[laughs] Well, thank you.
Are these the edible candles?
-This is a great looking meal.
Yes, they are the edible candles.
-[indistinct] good.
-They are the edible cambers, candles - edible cambers, too, I might add.
[???]