(theme music) ♪ (applause continues) Thank you.
Welcome to our show.
I think we've got a wonderful one for you this evening, along with Peter Matz and our terrific orchestra, we have our regulars: Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence, and Tim Conway.
(applause) I'm really kind of sorry to see this week come to a close because we've had a lady, our special guest...
I've never worked with her before.
I hope this isn't the last time.
She has just been so terrific.
If possible, she's even nicer... Well, let me phrase this right.
She's an even nicer lady than she is a great actress.
I don't know if that's possible, but it might be.
Miss Joanne Woodward.
(applause) Woo!
Listen, we've got a great show for you tonight, so don't go away, we'll be right back.
♪ (announcer) From Television City in Hollywood, it's The Carol Burnett Show... ♪ ...with Harvey Korman... ♪ ...Vicki Lawrence... ♪ ...and Tim Conway.
♪ (thudding) ♪ (Carol and Joanne) ♪ Be kind to your web-footed friends ♪ ♪ For a duck may be somebody's mother ♪ ♪ Be kind to your friends in the swamp ♪ ♪ Where the weather is cold and damp ♪ ♪ Da-da-da, da-da ♪ ♪ Now you may think that this is the end ♪ ♪ Well, it is ♪ (Joanne) Ah!
(laughing) (Carol) That gets me every time.
Come on, Midge, put your purse down and let's park it.
Come on, come on, come on!
I want you to just sit right down and relax.
Okay and you are gonna stay for dinner.
(Joanne) Oh, no, Eunice, I can't do that.
-I got to go.
-Oh, you don't have to go.
For goodness sakes, the afternoon is still young.
(laughing) Hey, that's kind of cute, I just made that up, the afternoon is still young.
I think I'll write that down.
Oh, hell, I'll remember it.
(laughing) (Joanne) Hey, you know something, Eunice?
-It's 6:00.
-Oh, it can't possibly be 6:00.
You never did have a sense of time.
It's 6:00.
You know, we must have stayed in the Topsy-Turvy bar three or four hours.
Oh, but shh.
Shh!
Not a word about where we was to Ed.
As far as Ed is concerned, you and me was at the Museum of Natural History looking at the stuffed buffalos.
(laughing) Ed?
Ed?
Woo-ooh!
Ed!
Well, it's 6:00.
Where is he?
Woo-ooh!
(laughter) Ed?
You remember when we was kids and we used to go over to the museum and look at them stuffed buffalos, huh?
Then we used to sneak over to the ancient Greek section and look at Hercules' rear end.
(laughing) (Carol) I always liked Mercury's better.
(laughing) (Joanne) Oh, Lordy be.
(Carol) I'm sobering up.
Let's have another beer, huh?
Ooh!
What if I'm out of beer?
Oh, mercy!
Mercy!
Oh, say it isn't so.
If there is a Lord in His heaven, Eunice won't be out of beer.
Whoopee!
Beer, we got some beer.
Right here is the beer.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no!
What, what, what?
What's the matter?
(Carol) Oh, I just remembered.
Mama is coming over for dinner tonight.
That must be where Ed is, picking her up.
Shoot.
Mama tonight.
Oh, nuts.
I swear, there must be some demon in hell whose one job it is is to spoil my fun.
(Joanne) She ain't gonna be too thrilled to see me here either.
(Carol) Well, toughies.
(clicking) All I can remember her saying about me when I was a kid was: "Get that trashy Midge Gibson out of my house!"
(Carol) Well, Mama always was high-strung in them days, you know.
Daddy was still alive.
She's always on edge.
(Joanne) Oh, well, forget it.
You should've heard what my mama said about you.
(Carol) What?
Oh, who can remember?
Oh, you know, you know, dumb, worthless, face like a scarecrow, da, da, da... (laughter) You remember what a mental case my mama was.
Hey, listen, Eunice, I ought to go.
(Carol) Oh, no, you don't.
You are gonna stay.
I'm on to you anyway.
I know what you want to do.
You want to go on back to the Topsy-Turvy and make googly eyes at the curly-headed guy at the end of the bar.
He was cute.
(Carol) Say, Midge, you go to places like that often?
Pretty often, yeah.
Of course, lately, it's beginning to sort of wear thin.
Maybe I should've worked harder at my marriage.
Maybe Chuck wasn't such a bad guy after all.
(Carol) Oh, but didn't he get drunk all the time and beat up on ya?
(Joanne) Yeah, but maybe that was just his nerves.
(laughter) I guess since your divorce, you've, uh, you've had a lot of, uh, flings, haven't ya?
(Joanne) Well, every dog has his day, Eunice.
Hey, I just insulted myself.
(laughter) (Carol) Gee.
I never did have many romances.
I just can't imagine what it'd be like.
(Joanne) What are you getting at?
(Carol) Oh, just that I've always thought of love as being like it is in all them songs, you know, like, "I got lost in his arms, and I had to stay," and, "You sigh, the song begins.
You speak, and I hear violins.
It's magic."
Is it magic?
I mean, I only got Ed to judge by.
(laughter) Well, I'm no expert on magic, Eunice.
I'm still looking for it myself.
(Carol) You know something?
You ought to get married, give it a whirl again and settle down.
Now I'm not saying marriage is all beer and pretzels, Midge.
I mean, you got to work at it, you know, like Ed and me do, but after all, marriage and a family, well, that's the backbone of the country, isn't it?
Yeah, that's what they say.
Yeah, I have been thinking lately that my life was not really a picnic, you know?
Waiting on tables all day and, then, going home alone at night.
Well, most nights, anyway.
(laughter) Listen, we're getting too serious.
(Carol) You're right.
And I know just how to perk us up.
Come on, I'm gonna put this over here.
Come on, come on, come on!
You and me, we're gonna do that can-can step we used to do in school when we was cheerleaders.
-Remember?
-Yeah, yeah.
(Carol and Joanne) ♪ Ta-ra-ra ♪ ♪ Boom-de-ay ♪ ♪ Go, rah-rah, boom-de-ay ♪ ♪ Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay ♪ Eunice!
See, I told you she'd be here.
Now aren't you glad we didn't stop at the police station?
(Vicki) Eunice, where the hell have you been?
(unintelligible) (Harvey) I come home to an empty house and call and call, -and where were... -Well, listen, let me tell you something.
Guess who I had lunch with today?
My old friend, Midge Gibson.
(Vicki) Midge Gibson?
I thought this town got rid of that alley cat.
(Carol) Mama, she is in the kitchen.
(Joanne) Hi, Miss Harper!
(Vicki) Well, if it isn't Midge Gibson.
Big as life and twice as natural.
(laughter) (Joanne) Really a pleasant surprise.
(Vicki) It's a surprise all right.
(Joanne) You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you, Ed.
(Vicki) You sure haven't changed either, Midge, except maybe your hair is a little more bleached and maybe you're doing your blouses up a little bit higher.
(Carol) Well, Ed, are you gonna say hello to Midge, or are you just gonna stand there like a statue?
(Joanne) Statue?
How does he compare to Hercules?
(blowing raspberry) (Harvey) Well, I was fixing to say hello when the fun and games died down.
Well, hi, Midge.
Long time, no see.
(laughter) (Carol) Midge is gonna stay for dinner.
(Harvey) Oh, well, good.
Life is just full of surprises, ain't it?
Well, I am starved.
Let's see what you're rustling up in here.
(Carol) It ain't quite ready.
Go on, Midge, sit down.
(Harvey) I suppose it's too much to expect to have a meal on time once in a while around here.
(Carol) Ed, I am doing the best I can.
(Vicki) Yes, now, Ed, let's not be unfair.
We can't expect Eunice to stay home and do her duty when Midge Gibson calls and asks her to join her on one of her binges.
(laughter) (Joanne) I'd forgotten your way with words, Miss Harper, but don't worry, I've had a lot of binges that lasted for a week.
(Carol) Could you please go in there and keep my friend some company, and be nice to her like I am nice to your friends, and keep a civil tongue in your head?
(Harvey) You haven't even started yet.
I spent all day at that hardware store on my feet while you and this Gibson piece of goods go out on a wingding.
(Carol) Yeah, that's right.
You know what we did?
We flew to Paris and back.
Now will you get in there?
(laughter) (Harvey) Can't go to Paris in one day.
(muttering) the big Concorde.
Well, Midge, guess you and my wife had a great old time today, didn't ya?
(Vicki) Yeah, I haven't seen her this tanked up since the last time you two got together.
(Joanne) Well, we had a smashing time.
We went to the Green Parrot for lunch and, then, we, uh, went out driving, and we saw some sights at the museum.
(laughing) Are you seriously considering pouring more liquor into your body?
(laughter) I was turning it over in my mind, yes.
Perhaps Mama dear would like a beer.
Well, why not?
One beer never hurt anybody.
(Harvey) I'd like one too if you can spare it.
(laughter) (Vicki) Well, Midge, I run into your mama every once in a while down at the mall.
She's always so chipper and uncomplaining.
I admire her so.
I couldn't be half so brave if my only daughter lived so far away and led the kind of life you do.
(Joanne) Well, some people can live near their mamas.
Me, I don't have the stamina.
(laughter) (Harvey) Well, how do you like Chicago, Midge?
(Vicki) I went to Chicago once.
A bunch of four-flushers.
(Joanne) I never did meet any four-flushers there, but I sure did make a lot of good friends.
(Vicki) Oh, I bet you did.
You always had a knack for making friends.
(Carol) Well, we are in luck!
We got two beers left.
One for Mama, one for Ed.
Lucky to have that much left, I suppose.
(laughter) (Carol) You know something?
We really are lucky to have these two left because I think a bunch of elves came in today and drank up all the rest.
(giggling) (Vicki) Well, Midge, if I recall, you were always the one that had such big plans for your life.
Gonna be a model, gonna marry a rich man, gonna live in villa in one of them foreign countries.
Tell me, did any of that stuff ever pan out?
(Joanne) No, I guess I was just a flop all around.
(Carol) Listen, Mama, just because somebody's childhood dreams don't come true, that don't give you the right to hint around that Midge here is a failure.
(Vicki) I did not say she was a failure.
Now did I say you were a failure, Midge?
All I was doing was making polite conversation, and as usual, I get my words twisted all around and thrown back in my face.
Besides, being a failure is nothing to be ashamed of.
Hell, look at Ed there.
(laughter) It's not where you are in life.
It's your sense of values.
Eunice and Ed have a sense of values.
They stay home, they raise their children, they drink in moderation, usually.
(laughter) (Joanne) Oh, how are your boys, hm?
(Harvey) Well, they're out on a camping trip.
Hoping it'll put some guts into 'em.
(Joanne) Must be wonderful raising kids.
(Carol) Uh-huh.
(Harvey) Of course, they tie you down.
(Vicki) Yeah, that's the problem with leading a decent and respectable life.
It doesn't leave you a whole lot of free time for going off on a toot.
(Joanne) That's why I've always avoided a decent and respectable life.
(laughing) (laughing continues) They're having a good time, aren't they?
(Joanne) Yeah, I guess we've had a few too many.
(Vicki) A few?
(Carol) You may have deduced by now, Midge, that my mama does not approve of alcohol.
'Course, when she drinks a bottle of beer at 11:00 in the morning, it's strictly for medicinal purposes.
'Course it was a different story when Daddy was alive.
I remember her and Daddy coming home, staggering late at night from the Bigger Jigger.
(Vicki) How dare you wash out our dirty linen... (Harvey) Watch out!
Look at my jigsaw puzzle!
-What'd I do?
-You got beer all...
I've been working on this sucker for weeks.
I just about got the sky filled in.
Now you go and ruined it.
(Carol) I ruined it?
Oh my goodness.
I'm so sorry.
But looky there, Ed, the beer gives the sky a real nice color.
(Harvey) I don't suppose you're gonna go get a rag and clean it up because I guess you're just taking the whole evening off.
(Carol) I just may do that.
I just might take the whole year off.
I just might take my whole life off.
I just might go right back this minute with Midge to the Topsy-Turvy bar.
What do you think of that?
The Topsy-Turvy bar?
You... My wife went to the Topsy-Turvy?
(Carol) You bet your sweet patootie.
(laughter) Now, look, Eunice, I have overlooked coming home to this house without having a hot meal waiting for me, and you and this person drinking up all the beer, and getting my jigsaw puzzle all soggy, but do you honestly think I'm going to overlook the fact that you went to the most notorious bar in this town?
(Joanne) Gee, Ed, everybody there was asking for you.
(laughter) You just wait a minute, you just wait a damn minute now, missy.
It's different when a man goes into a bar for a quick beer.
But when a woman goes in, it's for one thing.
-What?
-Well, listen, what's the matter, a woman isn't entitled to a quick beer?
(Harvey) Oh, you couldn't.
Everybody knew your reputation in school.
(Joanne) Gee, neither one of us got picked up, so what are you so excited for?
(Carol) But there was one real cute-looking, curly-haired fella at the end of the bar, and I want to tell you something, if he'd so much as given me a wink, I wouldn't be here right now.
(Harvey) Oh, Eunice.
(Carol) And there's something else I want you to know, too.
It was not Midge's idea to go to the Topsy-Turvy.
It was mine because, secretly, I was hoping to be picked up!
(Vicki) Well, this chippy no sooner sets foot back in this town and you are talking smut.
(laughter) Smut, smut, smut, smut, smut.
It is people like her that are causing the downfall of this whole country.
-If I was your mother... -Well, you are not my mother, Ms. Harper, so I have no emotional objection to punching you right in the nose.
(Vicki) Are you gonna let her talk to me like that, Eunice?
Go, go, go.
(laughter, applause) (Joanne) Now I have made many mistakes in my life, but I have never been deliberately malicious and cruel, and if you're an example of decency, sister, thank God I'm indecent!
And you, you weren't so high and mighty in high school when you were in the back seat of that convertible with me on that double date with Gigi and you practically tore off my best sweater!
(Carol) Oh, Ed.
(Joanne) Yeah, I finally got away, and after that, he ran after Gigi!
Jim had to throw him out of the car!
Oh, Eunice, I'm sorry.
(Carol) Shh, who cares?
I'm just surprised he ever had that much energy.
(laughter) (Joanne) Listen, Eunice, I'm gonna have to leave.
I've had enough of the family unit and the backbone of the country for the moment.
But I want to tell ya, I just want to say thank you because I was feeling very depressed about my life and now I feel a whole lot better!
(Carol) Oh, Midge.
Oh, Midge, I'm so sorry it's got to end this way.
I'm so sorry you got to leave.
(Joanne) I'm so sorry you got to stay.
(laughter) (Joanne grunts) (applause) (applause fades) (clattering) (laughter) (laughter) Maybe we ought to get the dinner started, Mother.
I'll be real happy to help you, Ed.
(Harvey) Thank you.
(laughter) (saxophone music) (applause) ♪ (soft music) ♪ (Vicki) Lancecroft?
(Harvey) Yes, Evelyn?
(Vicki) Do you love me?
(Harvey) Do I love you?
Of course I do.
Why do you ask?
(laughter) (Vicki) I've been hearing rumors about you and other women.
(Harvey) Oh, posh.
(Vicki) Posh, you say?
That's a rather strong word, isn't it?
(laughter) What about the widow Tyler?
(Harvey) The widow Tyler?
Why, that's absurd.
We simply walk along the beach searching for abalone.
(Vicki) But there is no abalone in these waters.
(Harvey) So we found out.
(coughing) (laughter) (applause) (belching) (laughter) Look, you're hardly the one to talk, dear.
What's this, you and this, um, Tito fellow?
Mm.
(slurping) (laughter) -Tito McGuire?
-Mm.
(Vicki) He's teaching me the rhumba.
(Harvey) Oh, the rhumba, eh?
(laughter) Learning the rhumba, are you?
Then why is it we never hear any music coming from the room?
(Vicki) We're still working out the count.
It's very difficult, the rhumba.
-One, two, three, four.
-Oh, really?
Do you honestly expect me to... (Vicki) Yes, I do.
(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (Harvey) Evelyn, you've been running around, and I am furious.
(Vicki) Ditto.
-Benchley?
-Yes, squire?
-Louella?
-Yes, ma'am?
(Harvey) Madam and I are about to have an altercation.
-Shall I begin?
-If you wish.
(Vicki) Lancecroft, you are a despicable human being.
Take that!
(laughter) (Harvey) You really think you could do that to me and get away with it, you wretched creature?
(laughter) (pounding) (laughter) (Vicki) You hit a woman?
You animal!
(clunking) -Benchley?
-Hm?
Benchley, do you know what it is being married to Evelyn?
Boring!
Oh, I think that just about did it.
I'm losing all my self-control.
I think I'm going to have a temper tantrum.
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
(screaming) I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
No!
Nobody loves me!
Oh, nobody, nobody!
(laughter) (Harvey) Your temper tantrums don't move me at all.
(Vicki) Very well.
You leave me no alternative but to end this thing once and for all.
(sighing) (laughter) I'm sorry to have to do this, Lancecroft, but I'm going to kill myself.
(laughter) I must do it.
There is no other way.
(laughter) (gunshot, thudding) (Harvey) Oh, Evelyn, Evelyn, I can't go on living without you.
(laughter) (laughter continues) Sure you can.
(laughter) (Harvey) No, no, I can't!
(gunshot) (laughter) (thudding) (Vicki) Oh, Lancecroft, you really do care.
-You really do love me.
-Of course I do, darling.
We just needed this little fight to clear the air.
-Will that be all?
-Yes, thank you.
(thudding, laughter) (applause) (upbeat horn music) ♪ (applause fades) (theme music) (announcer) And, now, back with the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.
(soft jazz music) ♪ (man) Oh, wow.
I just twisted my ankle.
(man) Oh, darn trick knee just went out on me.
(laughter) ♪ (Joanne) Boy, that was a close one.
For a minute, I thought I was gonna be dragged out on the dance floor again.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I have danced so much tonight, I think my legs are two inches shorter.
(laughing) ♪ I don't know why I come to these silly dances anyway.
I mean, it's always the same thing.
Some strange man pawing all over me and whispering even stranger things in my ear.
It's just crazy.
(Joanne) I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my girlfriend.
She says, "Go on, you'll have a good time.
You'll have a couple of dances."
Couple of dances, the way it's been going, I'm gonna have to soak my feet all day tomorrow.
-Excuse me, miss.
-All right, I guess I've got just one dance left in me.
Would you hold my purse?
(man) Uh, I was just wondering if you had the correct time.
♪ (Carol) Uh, it's 10:15.
(man) Thanks.
♪ (Joanne) Here's your purse.
♪ I'm Clarice Trickleson.
Oh.
Theresa Renteria.
♪ (Harvey) Oh, excuse me, is this chair taken?
Uh, no, no.
No, it isn't.
This one is free too.
♪ -Great dance, isn't it?
-Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's great.
(Harvey) I don't think I saw you on the dance floor all night.
-Who, me?
-Yeah.
(Joanne) You're kidding.
I never danced so much in my whole life.
(Carol) That's right, she was just complaining that when she goes home, she's gonna have to soak her feet.
(Harvey) Oh, really?
That's too bad, I was just gonna ask you -to dance with me.
-You're kidding.
(Harvey) No, but if your feet are in such bad shape... (Carol) Oh, my feet are in great shape.
(Joanne) I thought you didn't want anybody pawing you all over again.
Butt out, Clarice.
(Harvey) Girls, if I wanted arguing, I could've stayed home tonight with my wife.
(laughter) ♪ (sighing) ♪ (Carol) Look, I got a confession to make.
(Joanne) Yeah, I haven't danced one single dance tonight either.
-Really?
-You ever been here before?
(Carol) Yeah, a couple of times.
Me too.
-Thirty-six.
-Forty-seven.
(laughter) ♪ (Joanne) You know, maybe we're better off this way.
I mean, we could be married to something like that.
(Carol) Mm, not me.
I have waited so long for Mr.
Right, I'm not gonna settle for anything less.
-How about Mr. Close?
-Or him.
(laughter) (melancholy music) ♪ ♪ Feeling the way I do ♪ ♪ I'd like to say "I do" ♪ ♪ Nature is hard to deny ♪ ♪ ♪ Everybody has someone ♪ ♪ Why can't I ♪ ♪ (Joanne) ♪ Only my book in bed knows how I look in bed ♪ ♪ Nobody hears when I cry ♪ ♪ Some have a reason for dreaming ♪ ♪ Why can't I ♪ (Carol) ♪ Should girls be good girls ♪ (Joanne) ♪ I think they should ♪ ♪ (Carol) ♪ I need a good man to make me be good ♪ ♪ (Carol and Joanne) ♪ Two feet are ever cold ♪ ♪ Four feet are never cold ♪ ♪ I only mean to imply ♪ ♪ Everybody does something ♪ ♪ Why can't I ♪ ♪ -You gonna hang around?
-No, I guess I'll go home.
(Joanne) I hate to stare at four walls.
I think I'll take in a movie.
(Carol) I guess that's a good idea after all the dancing we've been doing.
-It'd feel good to sit down.
-Yeah.
(Carol) Is there anything good playing?
-The Hindenburg.
-Huh?
Well, I thought it might be nice to see somebody else have a disaster.
(laughter) -Are you gonna go now?
-Yeah.
I hate to leave, but I'm having such a swell time dancing, but c'est la vie.
(Carol) Say, Clarice, listen, I mean, since you're gonna go alone, would you mind if I went with?
(Joanne) Hey, no--I mean yeah, yeah.
Would ya?
(Carol) ♪ What say ♪ (jazz music) ♪ Let's be buddies ♪ ♪ What say ♪ ♪ Let's be pals ♪ (Carol) ♪ What say ♪ ♪ Let's be buddies ♪ (Carol and Joanne) ♪ And keep up each other's morale ♪ -♪ I may ♪ -♪ We're both of us shy ♪ (Joanne) ♪ Never shout it ♪ (Carol) Why not shout it?
-♪ Listen, many ♪ -♪ Many ♪ (Carol and Joanne) ♪ Many is the time I'm B-L-U-E, blue ♪ -♪ What say ♪ -♪ What say ♪ -♪ Why not ♪ -♪ Okay ♪ -♪ How's about it ♪ -♪ How's about it ♪ (Carol) ♪ Can I be a buddy ♪ (Carol and Joanne) ♪ To you ♪ -Everybody.
-Come on, everybody!
(Carol and Joanne) ♪ Can I be a buddy ♪ ♪ Can I be a buddy ♪ ♪ Can I be a buddy ♪ ♪ To you ♪ (Carol) Let's split, come on.
(soft music) (applause) ♪ (applause fades) (ditzy music) ♪ (Tim) Uh, Mrs. Wiggins?
(laughter) Uh, Mrs. Wiggins?
(laughter) Mrs. Wiggins, the reason that I pressed that intercom system to talk to you was because I wanted to see you.
Oh.
(Tim) I don't mean see you with my eyeballs.
I mean see you right in there into that office.
(laughter) (Carol) When?
(Tim) Well, I'm afraid now if it wouldn't inconvenience you.
(laughter) Well, why didn't you say so?
(Tim) Well, I did say so.
I said so on that intercom system.
You never answered it to me with your voice.
(laughter) (laughter continues) Would it be more handy if I put a revolving door in here for you?
(laughing) (laughter) Uh, now, Mrs. Wiggins, the reason I brought you in here now is because I have a really important meeting today with Mr. Phillips.
He's going to be here at noon.
Mrs. Wiggins, do you have any idea what I'm saying?
Yeah, I think so.
That's close enough.
(laughter) Phew, now, I want to run over two very important parts with you here because of this meeting.
Now, first of all, I don't want anybody into this office here before noon.
Now do you understand that?
-Yeah.
-All right.
Now point two, there's some things in this contract here that are a little fuzzy at this time, so we're going to run over those together just in case this time-- (laughter) Mrs. Wiggins, when I said I don't want to see anybody in here before noon, that don't include the people that I pay the salary to.
(laughter) You're the only person I know that can actually tailgate herself.
(laughter) Now in this meeting... Do you have any estimated time that those doggone nails are gonna be dry?
No.
(Tim) We're beginning to attract the fruit flies.
(laughter) Squadron of those come over and dip their wings to us.
(laughter) Now like I told you, I have this real important meeting today with Mr. Phillips.
(Carol) Oh, yeah, he'll be here at noon.
Oh, thank you for that news flash.
(laughter) Do you have any news on the Hindenburg?
(laughter) When he comes in here today at noon, he's liable to ask me some questions on this doggone contract that I can't answer.
So I got a little plan worked out here to do that.
Now, when he's in here and you see me stand up to my desk, you press that buzzer in there on the intercom system and tell me I got a real important phone call, that way I have a little time to look up that answer.
Now you think you got that?
Yeah.
(Tim) That's dynamite.
Okay.
(laughter) Why don't you go in there and we'll try this?
When I stand up, you push that buzzer and tell me I got a real important phone call.
-Okay.
-All right.
How about doing that now?
(laughter) (laughter) Uh, well now, Mr. Phillips, that's a really good question.
I'll have that answer for you real soon.
Soon as I have that answer for-- (laughter) Excuse me a minute.
(laughter) Hey, strawhead, listen... (laughter) How are you supposed to see me in there when you're doing your nails like that?
You should have one eye on to me, one eye on to the desk.
You're going to see me stand up, then you ring that buzzer for me.
Now repeat that after me.
Do you understand what I said?
(Carol) Yeah.
What you want me to do when Mr. Phillips gets here is to wait and look at you.
When he asks you an important question that you don't know the answer to, you'll stand up, and that's the signal for me to buzz you on the intercom to tell you that you have an important call.
Eh, the fog is beginning to lift.
(laughter) Watch me when I do that now.
(Carol) What?
(Tim) Watch me when I do that.
Well, Mr. Phillips, that's a really good question.
I'll have that answer in a minute.
(buzzing) But first...
Yes, Mrs. Wiggins, what is it?
(Carol) Well, you know.
(laughter) I know what?
You know that when you stand up you have an important phone call.
(Tim) Well, tell that to me on the box.
(Carol) I just did.
(Tim) Get right in here, will you, Mrs. Wiggins?
(Carol) What about the phone call?
Forget the phone call!
There's no phone call.
We're just pretending like that!
Now you get in here!
Right now!
Whiz in here now!
(laughter) Hm.
You're a real Jesse Owens.
(laughter) Now I gave you this dumb, simple thing to do.
You don't even understand how to do this.
This is like working at the Looney Tunes.
(laughter) -Sit over here.
-What?
(Tim) I want you to pretend that you're me, and I'll pretend that I'm you.
Just sit there.
Now, when I point to you from that room, you stand up.
Then, I'm gonna buzz that buzzer and tell you you got a real important phone call.
You understand that?
(Carol) Yeah, I'm you, and you're me.
(Tim) Boy, good news there.
All right, and don't forget when I point to you.
(exhales sharply) (laughter) (buzzing) (Carol) Yes, Mrs. Wiggins?
(laughter) (Tim) You've got a real important phone call, Mr. Tudball.
Who is it?
(laughter) What do you mean "who is it"?
(Carol) How can I be sure it's important if I don't know who it is?
Now find out who it is, Mrs. Wiggins.
There's no one to ask!
Mrs. Wiggins, by golly, how many times do I got to tell you to find out who it is before you buzz me on this here doggone intercom?
(laughter) (Tim) That's got nothing to do with it, Mr. Tudball!
(Carol) Don't you raise your voice to me, Mrs. Wiggins.
I raise my voice to you if I want to, Mr. Tudball!
(Carol) Okey-dokey.
This time you've gone too far.
Mrs. Wiggins, you're fired.
You can't fire me!
I quit!
(laughter) You can get yourself another girl!
(horn music) (applause) ♪ (applause fades) (jazz music) ♪ (Vicki) ♪ When trumpets were mellow ♪ (Joanne) ♪ And every gal only had one fellow ♪ (Carol) ♪ No need to remember when ♪ (trio) ♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪ ♪ (Vicki) ♪ Dancing at your Long Island Jazz Age parties ♪ (Joanne) ♪ Waiter, bring us three more Bacardis ♪ (Carol) ♪ Order now what they ordered then ♪ (trio) ♪ 'Cause everything old is new again ♪ (soft music) ♪ ♪ Break out your white suit, your top hat and tails ♪ ♪ Let's go backwards when forward fails ♪ ♪ And movie stars you thought were long dead now are framed beside your bed ♪ (Vicki) ♪ So don't throw the past away ♪ (Joanne) ♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪ (Carol) ♪ Dreams can come true again ♪ (trio) ♪ When everything old is new again ♪ ♪ Break out your white suit, top hat and tails ♪ ♪ Let's go backwards when forward fails ♪ ♪ Leave Greta Garbo alone ♪ ♪ Be a movie star on your own ♪ (jazz music) ♪ ♪ Don't throw the past away ♪ ♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪ ♪ Dreams can come true again ♪ ♪ When everything old ♪ ♪ ♪ Everything old ♪ ♪ ♪ Everything old is new again ♪ ♪ (upbeat music) ♪ (dramatic music) ♪ (lively music) ♪ (upbeat jazz music) ♪ (all) ♪ Don't throw the past away ♪ ♪ You might need it some rainy day ♪ ♪ Dreams can come true again ♪ ♪ When everything old, everything old, everything old ♪ (trio) ♪ Everything old is new again ♪ ♪ Cha ♪ ♪ (applause) (Carol) Be sure and be with us next week.
Oh, and I want to tell you something.
On February 11th, the federal government kicked off its 1976 U.S. savings bond drive.
And 200 years ago, George Washington's small army needed 27 million to sustain the struggle for our nation's independence, and American citizens provided it, and that's the way it was.
So take stock in America and buy U.S. savings bonds.
Thank you.
♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say "so long" ♪ Goodnight.
Thank you.
(applause) (theme music) ♪ (announcer) The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.
This is your announcer speaking.
♪ (applause fades) (bright music)