WEBVTT

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- Are you the doctor?

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(gentle music)
(monitors beeping)

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Your frayed undertone
alerts me to what's coming.

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Grievances, waiting
for a scapegoat.

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I suppress a sigh.

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17 patients to see, and you were

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the only straightforward one.

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This is not how I
wanted to start my day.

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I fix my face.

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Yes, I'm your doctor.

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My hollow words hang
silently in the air.

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The most charitable
observer would find

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no warmth in your gaze.

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The nurse's curt assessment
of you is still fresh,

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difficult and standoffish.

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How are you feeling?

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I silently repeat the mantra.

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I'm here to help.

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Tell me your story.

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Projecting a safe space
that doesn't exist.

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You reject the mirage.

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The rigid lines etched into
your face don't soften,

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but it's your eyes
that speak the truth.

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Exhaustion has
smothered everything,

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leaving muted embers of
anger in its aftermath.

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Dread crouches at the
periphery, waiting.

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I came here because
I can't breathe.

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I've been asked four times
already if I do drugs.

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Why do y'all keep
asking the same thing?

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This question is not an
extended olive branch.

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It's the crisp crinkling
of a test booklet

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as you prepare to
grade my answer.

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I'm restless.

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Precious time is leaking away.

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Weariness coils
tightly around me

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like a boa constrictor made
of impotence and cynicism.

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My legs can no longer
bear the weight.

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May I sit?

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You nod.

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I settle in at the
edge of your bed.

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There's no quick way
through this conversation.

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I could say we ask all
patients about drug use.

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Normalize it, and
attempt to sidestep

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the traumatic undercurrents.

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I might acknowledge
your distress,

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and ask you to tell me more.

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The med school answer.

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I could even say I'm
sorry that happened,

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and then take control
of the conversation

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by asking about your breathing.

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The hospitalist answer.

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Suddenly, I'm back in college.

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An officer is approaching
my black Honda Civic

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with his weapon drawn.

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He's shouting show
me your hands.

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They shake as I stick them out
of the driver's side window.

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I'm taken to jail.

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I spend my phone call on a
friend who doesn't pick up.

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I'm released the next
day with a gruff apology

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from the officer.

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You aren't the right guy.

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Sorry.

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My doctor mask slips,
exposing the human beneath.

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My answer is all bitter edges.

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Some people get the benefit
of the doubt, others don't.

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I can't promise it
won't happen again,

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but I'll do what I can.

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At some point I ask you,
when did your symptoms start?

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You have trouble answering me.

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I reach back to a
conversation with my dad.

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I don't get why doctors
expect us to know

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the difference between
regular discomfort

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and bad discomfort.

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Life is pain.

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You work through
it until you can't.

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I reframe the question.

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When did life start
getting harder than usual?

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Your answer is instantaneous.

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Five months ago.

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Gathering the rest of
your history is easy.

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You're comfortable with my plan.

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You smile for the first time.

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Thank you, doctor.

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Later today, we'll discuss
your abnormal results

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and upcoming procedures.

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You'll cry.

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I'll sit with you again.

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You'll talk about the
pressures of your job,

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and the challenges of
being a single parent.

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When I look at
you, I see family.

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Several generations
of hard lessons

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discouraging vulnerability.

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You can't afford to be
less than invincible

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when shielding others
from the struggle,

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and yet you're here,
unable to go on.

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I can't resolve this
cognitive dissonance for you.

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All I can offer is this
small fleeting space

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carved out with the keen
edges of shared trauma.

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Maybe here, you can
temporarily afford to be human.

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Two days from now,
you'll ask me about life

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as a Black hospitalist.

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You'll listen as I talk
about George Floyd,

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sick family members,
protests, and COVID-19.

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I will no longer track
the time during our visit.

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Flakes of clinical detachment

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will fall from me
like a shattered cast,

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revealing the
exhausted husk beneath,

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The wall separating the
personal from the professional

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will completely vanish,
trapping me in a moment

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that is both cathartic
and triggering.

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You'll extend an incredible
amount of compassion

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as tears soak my mask,
and ragged breaths

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fog up my face shield.

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You'll take my hand,
lending me your resolve.

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Somehow, you'll know
exactly what I need to hear.

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Don't give up on
us, Dr. Williams.

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You're not alone.

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We need you.