1 00:00:01,266 --> 00:00:02,933 - Are you the doctor? 2 00:00:02,933 --> 00:00:05,933 (gentle music) (monitors beeping) 3 00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:08,900 Your frayed undertone alerts me to what's coming. 4 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,333 Grievances, waiting for a scapegoat. 5 00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:13,200 I suppress a sigh. 6 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,033 17 patients to see, and you were 7 00:00:15,033 --> 00:00:17,266 the only straightforward one. 8 00:00:17,266 --> 00:00:19,300 This is not how I wanted to start my day. 9 00:00:20,233 --> 00:00:22,033 I fix my face. 10 00:00:22,033 --> 00:00:24,300 Yes, I'm your doctor. 11 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:27,300 My hollow words hang silently in the air. 12 00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,200 The most charitable observer would find 13 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,433 no warmth in your gaze. 14 00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:34,266 The nurse's curt assessment of you is still fresh, 15 00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:36,366 difficult and standoffish. 16 00:00:36,366 --> 00:00:37,666 How are you feeling? 17 00:00:37,666 --> 00:00:39,266 I silently repeat the mantra. 18 00:00:39,266 --> 00:00:40,533 I'm here to help. 19 00:00:40,533 --> 00:00:41,733 Tell me your story. 20 00:00:41,733 --> 00:00:44,800 Projecting a safe space that doesn't exist. 21 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,666 You reject the mirage. 22 00:00:46,666 --> 00:00:49,833 The rigid lines etched into your face don't soften, 23 00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:52,433 but it's your eyes that speak the truth. 24 00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:54,533 Exhaustion has smothered everything, 25 00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:57,700 leaving muted embers of anger in its aftermath. 26 00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:01,300 Dread crouches at the periphery, waiting. 27 00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:03,166 I came here because I can't breathe. 28 00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:05,833 I've been asked four times already if I do drugs. 29 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,200 Why do y'all keep asking the same thing? 30 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,966 This question is not an extended olive branch. 31 00:01:10,966 --> 00:01:13,133 It's the crisp crinkling of a test booklet 32 00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:15,633 as you prepare to grade my answer. 33 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:17,233 I'm restless. 34 00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:19,800 Precious time is leaking away. 35 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,900 Weariness coils tightly around me 36 00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:25,633 like a boa constrictor made of impotence and cynicism. 37 00:01:25,633 --> 00:01:27,600 My legs can no longer bear the weight. 38 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,300 May I sit? 39 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:34,100 You nod. 40 00:01:35,366 --> 00:01:37,933 I settle in at the edge of your bed. 41 00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:40,800 There's no quick way through this conversation. 42 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,200 I could say we ask all patients about drug use. 43 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,366 Normalize it, and attempt to sidestep 44 00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:48,533 the traumatic undercurrents. 45 00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:50,466 I might acknowledge your distress, 46 00:01:50,466 --> 00:01:52,600 and ask you to tell me more. 47 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,500 The med school answer. 48 00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:56,700 I could even say I'm sorry that happened, 49 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,500 and then take control of the conversation 50 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,366 by asking about your breathing. 51 00:02:00,366 --> 00:02:01,666 The hospitalist answer. 52 00:02:02,866 --> 00:02:06,266 Suddenly, I'm back in college. 53 00:02:06,266 --> 00:02:08,433 An officer is approaching my black Honda Civic 54 00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,100 with his weapon drawn. 55 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:12,866 He's shouting show me your hands. 56 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:16,466 They shake as I stick them out of the driver's side window. 57 00:02:16,466 --> 00:02:18,066 I'm taken to jail. 58 00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:21,300 I spend my phone call on a friend who doesn't pick up. 59 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,566 I'm released the next day with a gruff apology 60 00:02:23,566 --> 00:02:25,100 from the officer. 61 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,400 You aren't the right guy. 62 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,966 Sorry. 63 00:02:27,966 --> 00:02:31,900 My doctor mask slips, exposing the human beneath. 64 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,833 My answer is all bitter edges. 65 00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:38,033 Some people get the benefit of the doubt, others don't. 66 00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,033 I can't promise it won't happen again, 67 00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:42,166 but I'll do what I can. 68 00:02:43,766 --> 00:02:47,300 At some point I ask you, when did your symptoms start? 69 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,433 You have trouble answering me. 70 00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:52,500 I reach back to a conversation with my dad. 71 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,166 I don't get why doctors expect us to know 72 00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:55,866 the difference between regular discomfort 73 00:02:55,866 --> 00:02:57,200 and bad discomfort. 74 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,500 Life is pain. 75 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:00,733 You work through it until you can't. 76 00:03:00,733 --> 00:03:02,100 I reframe the question. 77 00:03:03,466 --> 00:03:05,766 When did life start getting harder than usual? 78 00:03:05,766 --> 00:03:07,633 Your answer is instantaneous. 79 00:03:07,633 --> 00:03:08,666 Five months ago. 80 00:03:09,866 --> 00:03:11,933 Gathering the rest of your history is easy. 81 00:03:11,933 --> 00:03:13,933 You're comfortable with my plan. 82 00:03:13,933 --> 00:03:16,333 You smile for the first time. 83 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:17,366 Thank you, doctor. 84 00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,200 Later today, we'll discuss your abnormal results 85 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,133 and upcoming procedures. 86 00:03:23,133 --> 00:03:23,966 You'll cry. 87 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,266 I'll sit with you again. 88 00:03:27,466 --> 00:03:29,333 You'll talk about the pressures of your job, 89 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:31,533 and the challenges of being a single parent. 90 00:03:32,666 --> 00:03:35,466 When I look at you, I see family. 91 00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:37,266 Several generations of hard lessons 92 00:03:37,266 --> 00:03:39,133 discouraging vulnerability. 93 00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:41,133 You can't afford to be less than invincible 94 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:43,166 when shielding others from the struggle, 95 00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:46,466 and yet you're here, unable to go on. 96 00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:49,233 I can't resolve this cognitive dissonance for you. 97 00:03:49,233 --> 00:03:52,000 All I can offer is this small fleeting space 98 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,200 carved out with the keen edges of shared trauma. 99 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,133 Maybe here, you can temporarily afford to be human. 100 00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:01,866 Two days from now, you'll ask me about life 101 00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,733 as a Black hospitalist. 102 00:04:03,733 --> 00:04:06,466 You'll listen as I talk about George Floyd, 103 00:04:06,466 --> 00:04:10,833 sick family members, protests, and COVID-19. 104 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,300 I will no longer track the time during our visit. 105 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,733 Flakes of clinical detachment 106 00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:18,166 will fall from me like a shattered cast, 107 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:20,233 revealing the exhausted husk beneath, 108 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,766 The wall separating the personal from the professional 109 00:04:23,766 --> 00:04:26,633 will completely vanish, trapping me in a moment 110 00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,566 that is both cathartic and triggering. 111 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:32,100 You'll extend an incredible amount of compassion 112 00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:34,633 as tears soak my mask, and ragged breaths 113 00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:36,533 fog up my face shield. 114 00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:40,233 You'll take my hand, lending me your resolve. 115 00:04:40,233 --> 00:04:43,666 Somehow, you'll know exactly what I need to hear. 116 00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:45,800 Don't give up on us, Dr. Williams. 117 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,066 You're not alone. 118 00:04:47,066 --> 00:04:48,166 We need you.