WEBVTT

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(soft music)

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- May 2020.

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Two days after the
murder of George Floyd.

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I am seeing a
two-year-old Black patient

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in my primary care clinic.

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He's a ball of energy,
full of joy and curiosity,

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not yet aware of the
cruel inequalities

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that will surely shape his
life, and already have.

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My heart breaks for his mother

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as she shares with
me her fears for him,

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and her hope that by the
time he becomes a man,

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the world will be better.

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I promise his mother
that as his doctor

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I will do whatever I can to
help him have a better life.

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And yet this is a promise that
I'm not sure how to fulfill

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and I wonder how
she perceives me,

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sitting there across from her
in that cramped exam room.

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Am I an allied
underrepresented minority,

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or as another white person
with good intentions,

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but little understanding of her

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and her son's lived experience?

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The truth is, I'm not
sure how to answer

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that question myself.

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I identify as Latina.

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But I've recently
been questioning what
that means for me.

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My father's parents immigrated
to the United States

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from Peru, and my mother
identifies as white.

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My younger sister
and I are proof

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that genetics are complicated.

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Her skin is much
darker than mine,

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and I'm six inches
taller than she is.

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She looks more
"Latina" than I do.

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Recently I've wondered what role

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our physical appearance
played in shaping our lives.

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I realize now that my identity
has always been a choice.

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Our society uses
appearance to define race

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and set expectations.

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My appearance does not
tell my whole story,

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and I find myself
consumed by the questions

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around my position as a
Latina who looks white,

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and in recognizing my privilege,

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I struggle to keep
hold of my identity.

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Do I count as a minority?

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Am I getting all the perks

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without having paid the
same price as my peers?

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I grew up with the trauma
of racism surrounding me,

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but not directly touching me.

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I can still remember
the pained expression

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on my grandma's face on the
day that her car was impounded

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after she was pulled
over for speeding

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on her way to the airport
after her brother died.

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She was flustered and sad

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and the police officer didn't
understand her English.

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At the time, I could
not yet understand

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the complexity of
her expression,

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and I could only offer a hug.

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Now, I know I should
have been angry.

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Angry for her, but also
angry that these situations

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for which my family led to
inconvenience and shame,

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might have cost someone, like
my young patient, their life.

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In learning to recognize
my own privilege,

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I also see the harsh reality
of injustice and indifference

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based solely on the
color one's skin

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won't be limited
to this generation.

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I think about something
as seemingly innate

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as our last name.

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I take pride in being an Alejos,

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but also recognize its role
in defining my identity.

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And so I make a
promise to myself,

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to continue putting myself
in the humbling position

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to ask patients about their
experience with racism,

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their fears for their children,

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and their hopes for the future.

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My own experience
constantly reminds me

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that race is not simple
or straightforward,

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and each person
experiences it differently.

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However, regardless
of how I see myself,

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I know society places
me among the privileged.

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To ignore that is to
be part of the problem.