WEBVTT

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- "What's up, man.
How you been?"

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He puts his fist out in
our traditional greeting

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as he picks up his phone.

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I return the gesture
and pick up my phone.

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Thick glass separates
our knuckles.

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The wardrobe of obligation is
mostly scripted pleasantries.

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Can't complain.

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You? I respond.

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"All right

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You know, still awhile before
I'm out, but I'm making it.

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How's the wife and fam?"

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They're good.

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My Uncle is dead.

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My mom is devastated.

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Not just at the
loss of a brother,

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but at the fact that he feared
going to the doctor so much

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he didn't even try.

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It's the first
time I've ever seen

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what untreated HIV can do.

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Sis is pregnant
again, I tell him.

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My wife is sick and
has been on home oxygen

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for the last four months.

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I cry most nights for no reason.

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I can't imagine bringing
a kid into this.

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Life feels like a ruck
march through Hell,

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but only the gentrified parts.

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It could be worse.

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I have no right to complain.

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A rare smile split the
hard lines of his face.

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"Oh, man. That's awesome!"

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In the third grade
he and his brother

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lived with my
family for a month.

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My sister's kindness was
something he never forgot.

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After they moved
out, he paid us back

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in the only way he knew
how by buying us protection

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in the neighborhood with bloody
knuckles and missing teeth.

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"Boy or girl?" he asks.

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I shrug. She doesn't know yet.

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"Well, tell her I
said congratulations."

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I will.

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"So, how's that sweet
doctor life treatin' you?"

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I smile and hope
it looks genuine.

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He doesn't watch medical shows

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so there are no pre-existing
concepts to leverage.

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I could explain the
difference between residency

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and being a real doctor but
we only have 20 minutes.

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I never thought
impostor syndrome

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would be the
punchline to my life.

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What do you get when
you mix responsibility,

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discipline, and an
unhealthy amount of anger

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with respectability politics?

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A black doctor, apparently.

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I hedge on the answer.

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It's pretty good. A lotta work.

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He looks contemplative
and unconsciously thumbs

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the set tattoos scribbled
across the back of his hand.

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"I can't imagine."

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I don't know if he
senses my discomfort

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or is reacting to his own,
but he changes the subject.

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"That book you sent
me was awesome!

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You got any others?"

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It was the most violent
book I've ever read,

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but it wasn't the killing
that made me think of him.

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It was how little
control the anti-hero had

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over his own arc.

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I'm glad you liked
it, I tell him.

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There are a few
others I can send you.

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"Cool!

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You gonna see anyone else
while you're in town?"

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He'd gotten better at
feigning nonchalance.

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The knowledge that his own
mother no longer speaks to him

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hangs between us.

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Your mom, of course. I'll
make sure she's all right.

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I dread the visit.

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She'll tell me at least 10
times how proud of me she is.

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It is never said, but I know
she compares her sons to me

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and finds them wanting.

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I wish I could tell her

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that I don't view
their lives as wasted.

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I view mine as an
accidental coincidence.

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I had two parents
and a stable home.

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And still, I would
be dead or in prison

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if not for her sons and
a good deal of luck.

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Any idea when you'll
be out? I ask him.

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He talks for awhile but never
really answers the question.

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We talk about old times.

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About watching movies
and playing Ninja Turtles

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in the backyard.

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We stay away from dead friends.

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(somber music)

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When our time is up,
we end with promises

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of staying in touch that
neither one of us will keep.

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I watch the complex
emotions play out

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in subtle twitches
across his face.

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In this place, the relationship
between vulnerability

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and life expectancy is inverse,

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so he keeps his tone gruff.

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"I really appreciate
you comin' by."

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I nod with appropriate manliness

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even as my heart twists.

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He doesn't know
why I still come.

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His unspoken confusion
is a testament

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to how well this country
mind those on the margins.

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This side of the glass
is only for those

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who chase the horizon
and earn their privilege.

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He doesn't know that the
horizon is constructed

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from the sacrifices of the
valueless, and never will.

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I don't feel pride in
my accomplishments.

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I feel crushed by the
obligation to never forget.