1
00:00:01,133 --> 00:00:02,900
- "What's up, man. 
How you been?"

2
00:00:02,900 --> 00:00:05,300
He puts his fist out in 
our traditional greeting

3
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:07,300
as he picks up his phone.

4
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:10,433
I return the gesture 
and pick up my phone.

5
00:00:10,433 --> 00:00:12,300
Thick glass separates 
our knuckles.

6
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,733
The wardrobe of obligation is 
mostly scripted pleasantries.

7
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:18,800
Can't complain.

8
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,100
You? I respond.

9
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,600
"All right

10
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,100
You know, still awhile before 
I'm out, but I'm making it.

11
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:27,000
How's the wife and fam?"

12
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,300
They're good.

13
00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,700
My Uncle is dead.

14
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,800
My mom is devastated.

15
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,666
Not just at the 
loss of a brother,

16
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:36,133
but at the fact that he feared 
going to the doctor so much

17
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:37,833
he didn't even try.

18
00:00:37,833 --> 00:00:39,133
It's the first 
time I've ever seen

19
00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:40,733
what untreated HIV can do.

20
00:00:41,966 --> 00:00:44,166
Sis is pregnant 
again, I tell him.

21
00:00:44,166 --> 00:00:46,333
My wife is sick and 
has been on home oxygen

22
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:47,966
for the last four months.

23
00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:50,833
I cry most nights for no reason.

24
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,266
I can't imagine bringing 
a kid into this.

25
00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:55,266
Life feels like a ruck 
march through Hell,

26
00:00:55,266 --> 00:00:56,800
but only the gentrified parts.

27
00:00:57,866 --> 00:00:59,033
It could be worse.

28
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:00,533
I have no right to complain.

29
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,200
A rare smile split the 
hard lines of his face.

30
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,700
"Oh, man. That's awesome!"

31
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,300
In the third grade 
he and his brother

32
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,533
lived with my 
family for a month.

33
00:01:10,533 --> 00:01:13,533
My sister's kindness was 
something he never forgot.

34
00:01:13,533 --> 00:01:15,400
After they moved 
out, he paid us back

35
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,700
in the only way he knew 
how by buying us protection

36
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:22,100
in the neighborhood with bloody 
knuckles and missing teeth.

37
00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:23,900
"Boy or girl?" he asks.

38
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:26,333
I shrug. She doesn't know yet.

39
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:28,833
"Well, tell her I 
said congratulations."

40
00:01:28,833 --> 00:01:30,300
I will.

41
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:33,800
"So, how's that sweet 
doctor life treatin' you?"

42
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,033
I smile and hope 
it looks genuine.

43
00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:37,533
He doesn't watch medical shows

44
00:01:37,533 --> 00:01:40,533
so there are no pre-existing 
concepts to leverage.

45
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:42,366
I could explain the 
difference between residency

46
00:01:42,366 --> 00:01:46,033
and being a real doctor but 
we only have 20 minutes.

47
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:47,433
I never thought 
impostor syndrome

48
00:01:47,433 --> 00:01:49,866
would be the 
punchline to my life.

49
00:01:49,866 --> 00:01:51,866
What do you get when 
you mix responsibility,

50
00:01:51,866 --> 00:01:54,233
discipline, and an 
unhealthy amount of anger

51
00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:56,533
with respectability politics?

52
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,033
A black doctor, apparently.

53
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:01,700
I hedge on the answer.

54
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,633
It's pretty good. A lotta work.

55
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,300
He looks contemplative 
and unconsciously thumbs

56
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:10,200
the set tattoos scribbled 
across the back of his hand.

57
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,300
"I can't imagine."

58
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,400
I don't know if he 
senses my discomfort

59
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,600
or is reacting to his own, 
but he changes the subject.

60
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,433
"That book you sent 
me was awesome!

61
00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:20,600
You got any others?"

62
00:02:21,733 --> 00:02:23,500
It was the most violent 
book I've ever read,

63
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,933
but it wasn't the killing 
that made me think of him.

64
00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:28,100
It was how little 
control the anti-hero had

65
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:29,233
over his own arc.

66
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,300
I'm glad you liked 
it, I tell him.

67
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,300
There are a few 
others I can send you.

68
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:35,766
"Cool!

69
00:02:35,766 --> 00:02:38,233
You gonna see anyone else 
while you're in town?"

70
00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:41,200
He'd gotten better at 
feigning nonchalance.

71
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,633
The knowledge that his own 
mother no longer speaks to him

72
00:02:43,633 --> 00:02:45,400
hangs between us.

73
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,933
Your mom, of course. I'll 
make sure she's all right.

74
00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:50,933
I dread the visit.

75
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:54,033
She'll tell me at least 10 
times how proud of me she is.

76
00:02:54,033 --> 00:02:57,033
It is never said, but I know 
she compares her sons to me

77
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,233
and finds them wanting.

78
00:02:59,433 --> 00:03:00,700
I wish I could tell her

79
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,500
that I don't view 
their lives as wasted.

80
00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:05,300
I view mine as an 
accidental coincidence.

81
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,300
I had two parents 
and a stable home.

82
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:09,500
And still, I would 
be dead or in prison

83
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,800
if not for her sons and 
a good deal of luck.

84
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,500
Any idea when you'll 
be out? I ask him.

85
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:18,700
He talks for awhile but never 
really answers the question.

86
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,533
We talk about old times.

87
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,500
About watching movies 
and playing Ninja Turtles

88
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,000
in the backyard.

89
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,200
We stay away from dead friends.

90
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,800
(somber music)

91
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,633
When our time is up, 
we end with promises

92
00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:31,633
of staying in touch that 
neither one of us will keep.

93
00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:33,500
I watch the complex 
emotions play out

94
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,833
in subtle twitches 
across his face.

95
00:03:35,833 --> 00:03:38,600
In this place, the relationship 
between vulnerability

96
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,800
and life expectancy is inverse,

97
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,133
so he keeps his tone gruff.

98
00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:45,000
"I really appreciate 
you comin' by."

99
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,900
I nod with appropriate manliness

100
00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:50,033
even as my heart twists.

101
00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:52,200
He doesn't know 
why I still come.

102
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,166
His unspoken confusion 
is a testament

103
00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:57,433
to how well this country 
mind those on the margins.

104
00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:59,033
This side of the glass 
is only for those

105
00:03:59,033 --> 00:04:01,433
who chase the horizon 
and earn their privilege.

106
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,300
He doesn't know that the 
horizon is constructed

107
00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:07,200
from the sacrifices of the 
valueless, and never will.

108
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,533
I don't feel pride in 
my accomplishments.

109
00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:15,533
I feel crushed by the 
obligation to never forget.