-Next, on "Great Performances"...
[ Overture plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Tempo slows ]
[ Dramatic percussion plays ]
[ Overture plays ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Finale plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
-Mothers, shut up!
All mothers, out!
Georgie, Georgie!
I don't want a mother in the wings.
I don't want a mother in the theatre.
I want them out!
-It's a pleasure.
Okay, mothers, move. Come on.
-All right, kiddies,
let's get in a straight line right along here
and step forward one at a time. [ Indistinct shouting ]
Shut up!
[ Shouting stops ]
The doors open at 7:00, and Uncle Jocko doesn't have time
to rehearse each of your darlin' acts.
Oh, you wait right over here, girly-girl.
[ Chuckles ] Hey, Gus!
Hit this doll with a surprise pink when she does her turn.
Uncle Jocko promised the wee bairn she'd be a winner,
and she will.
Ooh.
-[ Giggles, squeaks ]
-[ Chuckles ]
Chip off the sister's block.
And you oughta see them balloons!
[ Both laugh ]
Okay, and who's the first wee laddie
in "Uncle Jocko's Kiddie Show"?
Take each of them from the top, then cut to the last eight.
Every Friday night...
♪ Ya-ta da-da-da da-da
Uncle Jocko dinna ken there were so many talented bairns
right here in...Seattle
and the rest of the crap.
Sidney on the sophisticated saxophone.
[ Halting notes play ]
George, that's what's gonna kill vaudeville.
Cut to the end, Sidney.
The end, kiddo! The end, Professor.
♪♪
And who does Uncle Jocko have --
Who the hell does --
Baby June and Company?
Half of the song, half of the dance, and out.
-Gotcha! -Oh!
[ "May We Entertain You?" plays ]
-♪ May we entertain you?
♪ May we see you smile?
♪ I will do some kicks
Oh!
-♪ I will do some tricks
-Sing out, Louise -- sing out!
-Who said that? -♪ I'll tell you a story
-Who said that?
-♪ I'll dance when she's done
-You're behind, Louise! Catch up, honey, catch up!
-Who let in one of them mothers?
-♪ By the time we're through entertaining you ♪
♪ You'll have a barrel of -- -No, no, no. Hold it, please.
-Hold it. Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!
Save your strength, June.
Louise, dear, if you don't count, you know --
-Madam, Madam, excuse me, but do you realize --
-I do, Uncle Jocko,
but I want to save your very valuable time for you.
-Well, In that case...
-When I saw your sensitive face at the Odd Fellows Hall --
my first husband was an Odd Fellow.
-I'm not an Odd Fellow.
-And I meant a Knight of Pythias.
My second husband was -- -I was not a Knight of Pythias!
-Then where did you catch our act?
-At the Elks.
-My father is an Elk!
Will you hold Chowsie for me -- that's short for "Chow Mein,"
and Mommy just loves chow mein.
Doesn't she, Chowsie Wowsie?
Stop sucking your thumb, Louise.
Professor, I just marvel
how you can turn a performer into an artist.
Now, if you could help my little girls
by giving them a good, loud...
♪ La-da de da-da-da
-What is going on here?
-God helps him who helps himself.
Mr. Zipser, when my girls do their specialty,
could you ad lick it, please?
Thank you. Show him, girls.
[ Drum roll ]
-Oh! -Is this really happening?!
-Gus? Oh, Gus! -Yeah.
-Could you please slap Baby June with something pink?
She's the star. Smile, Baby, dear!
-I have met all kinds of mothers --
-Don't hang on that Baby's dress -- you'll rumple it up.
Now, do you know of a really good agent
who could book a professional act like ours?
-A professional act!
Hey, Georgie, Get a load of this.
-Don't laugh!
Don't you dare laugh!
That child is going to be a star.
-That's what they all say. All right, dear.
-But we're not finished!
-Oh, they are, as far as I'm concerned.
-Because you're trying to play favorites.
-What? -How dare you let
that rotten, untalented, fat balloon block up my babies?
I won't leave this stage till she does!
-That child --
-Have you no loyalty to the Elks?
-I'm not an Elk!
-Well, the editor of the Gazette is!
I happen to know because, at the last meeting,
he showed my father a letter he got
complaining some contest was fixed.
I guess desperate people do desperate things.
♪ La-da de da-da-da
Thank you, Professor. -Oh!
-Thank you, Uncle Jocko. Thank you, Gus.
-♪ May we entertain you? -And thank you, Mr. Zipser!
-♪ May we see you smile?
-♪ I will do some kicks -Smile, girls, smile.
-Ooh!
-♪ I will do some tricks
-♪ I'll tell you a story
-♪ I'll dance when she's done
-♪ By the time we're through entertaining you ♪
♪ You'll have a barrel of fun
-Aah! -[ Shouting indistinctly ]
-♪ You'll have a barrel of fun
[ Applause ]
♪♪
-That rotten little Uncle Jocko!
He's as cheap as your grandpa.
10 bucks for a talent like yours?
Well, we're through with Kiddie Shows.
And with your grandpa's lodge hall.
It's time we moved on, anyway.
I'm gonna get us an agent
to book the act on the Orpheum Circuit.
-That's dog food, Momma.
-That's what she thinks. I'm hungry.
-Then, why didn't you eat some of our chow mein after the show?
-Because you two did all the work
and we have to save every cent.
I had a dream last night.
I dreamt a whole new act for you --
Baby June and her Newsboys!
-How are you going to get the boys, Momma?
-Louise can be a boy, and I'll find three others.
-How are you going to pay them?
-The experience'll be their pay.
-You know, I've got just enough saved up
for scenery and costumes.
If I can squeeze a few bucks out of Grandpa,
we can head for Los Angeles and the Orpheum Circuit.
-Good night, Momma.
-Good night.
-Good night, Grandpa.
-You oughta be ashamed, fooling your kids with those dreams.
-They're real dreams,
and I'm gonna make 'em come real for my kids.
-What are you, Rose -- a crazy woman?
God put you down right here
because He meant for you to stay right here.
-God's like me, Pop -- we both need outside assistance.
-You've squeezed the last penny outta me
that you're ever gonna get.
-It ain't for me! It's for my girls.
It's too late for me.
-It ain't too late for you to get a husband to support you.
-After three husbands, I want to enjoy myself.
I want my girls to enjoy themselves
and travel like Momma does.
-And you'll leave them just like your mother left you.
-Never!
Why aren't you ready for bed, Louise?
-June says you said she could sleep with you tonight.
-Well, you know how high strung the Baby is after a performance.
-I performed.
-[ Scoffs ] Yeah. It ain't the same.
Say "good night" and go to bed.
-Good night, Grandpa.
-Good night, Louise. You're a good girl.
-Yeah, you are a good girl. I was proud of you tonight.
-Oh, Momma!
How come I have three fathers?
-Because you're lucky.
Now, you were born with a caul.
And that means you got powers to read palms and tell fortunes,
and wonderful things are going to happen for you!
-Why do you fill her with such bunk?
-It ain't bunk!
-Nothin' wonderful is going to happen
to her or June or to you.
-Well, maybe not to me,
but they're gonna have a marvelous time.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna let them sit away their lives
like I did or like you do,
with only that calendar to tell you one day from the next
or that plaque from your rotten railroad company
to say, "Congratulations --
for 50 years, you've done the same dull thing every dull day!"
-That plaque is a great tribute!
It's solid gold!
-How much could you get for it? -Rose, if you --
-What good is it doin' sittin' up there?!
-It belongs there, like you belong home.
-No, anybody that stays home is dead!
If I die, it won't be from sittin'!
It'll be from fightin' to get up and get out!
♪ Some people can get a thrill
♪ Knitting sweaters and sitting still ♪
♪ That's okay for some people who don't know they're alive ♪
♪ Some people can thrive and bloom ♪
♪ Living life in a living room
♪ That's perfect for some people of 105 ♪
♪ But I...
♪ At least I gotta try
♪ When I think of all the sights that I gotta see yet ♪
♪ All the places I gotta play
♪ All the things that I gotta be yet ♪
♪ Come on, Poppa, whaddaya say? ♪
♪ Some people can be content
♪ Playing bingo and paying rent ♪
♪ That's peachy for some people ♪
♪ For some humdrum people to be ♪
♪ But some people ain't me
♪♪
♪ I had a dream
♪ A wonderful dream, Poppa
♪ All about June and the Orpheum Circuit ♪
♪ Give me a chance, and I know I can work it ♪
♪ I had a dream
♪ Just as real as can be, Poppa ♪
♪ There I was in Mr. Orpheum's office ♪
♪ And he was saying to me
♪ "Rose...
♪ Get yourself some new orchestrations ♪
♪ New routines and red velvet curtains ♪
♪ Get a feathered hat for the baby ♪
♪ Photographs in front of the theater ♪
♪ Get an agent
♪ And in jig time
♪ You'll be being booked in the big time!" ♪
♪ Oh, what a dream
♪ A wonderful dream, Poppa
♪ And all that I need
♪ Is 88 bucks, Poppa
♪ That's what he said, Poppa
♪ Only 88 bucks
-You ain't gettin' 88 cents from me, Rose!
-Well, then, I'll get it someplace else,
but I'll get it and my kids out!
[ Music builds ]
♪ Goodbye
♪ To blueberry pie
♪ Good riddance to all the socials I had to go to ♪
♪ All the lodges I had to play
♪ All the Shriners I said hello to ♪
♪ Hey, L.A., I'm coming your way ♪
♪ Some people sit on their butts ♪
♪ Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts ♪
♪ That's living for some people ♪
♪ For some humdrum people
♪ I suppose
♪ Well, they can stay and rot
♪♪
♪ But not Rose!
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Here.
♪♪
[ Whistles ]
♪♪
-♪ Goodbye
♪ To blueberry pie
♪♪
♪ I had a dream
♪ A wonderful dream
-♪ Hail, hail, the gang's all here ♪
-♪ Hail
-♪ Some people sit on their butts ♪
♪ Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts ♪
♪ That's living for some people ♪
♪ I suppose
♪♪
♪ But not Rose
[ Finale plays ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-No, no, no.
Madam Rose, no!
-Now listen, Mr. Weber.
You don't know how to run your theater.
Your business is slipping.
You need youth, fresh, young talent.
-Madam Rose, I told you this morning,
I told you this afternoon, and I am telling you now --
if there's anything I hate worse than kids,
it's kids onstage!
-Shh! [ Gasps ]
Children, go play in the alley.
Mr. Weber, that was a rotten remark.
And if you're a gentleman, you'd apologize and book my act.
-I am not a gentleman.
-Yes, you are, deep down.
-Herbie, I was looking for you to get your opinion on the show.
-I doubled your candy order, Ed.
-That bad, huh?
-Except for a coupla acts.
Left a memo on your desk.
-Mr. Weber, you left me right in the middle of a sentence.
-Madam Rose, you are always in the middle of a sentence.
-But if your show is as rotten
as this intelligent gentleman says,
you could certainly try my act for a couple of nights.
Couldn't he? -Yeah, he could.
You could, Ed. -What?
-Your theater gets a family audience.
They love kids. -And my kids are great!
-They sure are. -How do you know?
-I've seen 'em. -Where?
-In Seattle.
They'd give your show a lift, Ed.
-Well... -Listen to the man --
-Stop pushing.
Let me think it over.
-Gee. [ Chuckles ]
It's hard for me to say thanks.
-You just did.
-So, why'd he listen to you?
-Everybody in show business listens to anybody.
Besides, I used to book acts into this theater.
-Why? Are you an agent?
-I was. I'm in the candy business now.
I sell to vaudeville houses all over the West.
-How could you ever leave show business?
-When the acts I handled had too little talent,
I got sick to my stomach -- ulcers.
-You're too sympathetic.
-Also, I went bust.
I was always giving them my commission
and telling them they got a raise.
-The good Lord says charity begins at home.
-Well, I don't have a home.
-You're not married?
-I had five sisters,
and the ugly one didn't get married till a year ago.
-Why'd you help me just now?
-I love kids.
-Oh.
-Also, I saw you before.
-Where? -Waiting outside Weber's office.
You looked like a pioneer woman without a frontier.
-I don't suppose you'd consider being an agent again.
-Would you consider marrying again?
-How do you know I'm not married now?
-I asked your kids about you.
-Oh.
Well, after three husbands,
it takes an awful lot of butter
to get you back in the frying pan.
[ Laughter ]
-And after 20 years of show business,
you kind of breathe better in the real world.
-Funny.
-What? -Us.
I like you, but I don't want marriage.
You like me, but you don't want show business.
-That seems to leave you there and me here.
-That all depends on how you look at it.
You look at what we don't have --
I look at what we do have.
♪ Funny
♪ You're a stranger who's come here ♪
♪ Come from another town
♪ Funny
♪ I'm a stranger myself here
♪ Small world, isn't it?
♪ Funny
♪ you're a man who goes traveling ♪
♪ Rather than settling down.
♪ Funny
♪ 'Cause I'd love to go traveling ♪
♪ Small world, isn't it?
♪ We have so much in common
♪ It's a phenomenon
♪ We could pool our resources
♪ By joining forces from now on ♪
♪ Lucky
♪ You're a man who likes children ♪
♪ That's an important sign
♪ Lucky
♪ I'm a woman with children
♪ Small world, isn't it?
♪ Funny
♪ Isn't it?
♪ Small and funny
♪ And fine
-Well, I'm not gonna pay you much money.
-Oh, you'll have to talk about money to Herbie.
-Are you handling her act?
-No, I can't -- but I can't!
Yeah, I guess I am.
-I'll be in the office. Bring in the cloth!
-♪ We have so much in common
♪ It's a phenomenon
-♪ We could pool our resources
♪ By joining forces from now on ♪
-Rose, is this act of yours any good?
-Good? It's great, and June is sensational.
Wait 'till you see it.
♪ Lucky
♪ You're a man who likes children ♪
-♪ That's an important sign
-♪ Lucky
-♪ I'm a woman with children
-♪ You're a woman with children ♪
♪ Small world, isn't it?
-♪ Funny, isn't it?
-♪ Isn't it?
-♪ Small and funny
♪ And fine
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music ends ]
♪♪
[ Children shouting indistinctly ]
-♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ Hey, look at the headline!
♪ Historical news is being made ♪
♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ They're drawing a red line
♪ around the biggest scoop of the decade ♪
♪ A barrel of charm
♪ A fabulous thrill
♪ The biggest little headline in vaud-e-ville ♪
♪ Presenting
♪ In Person
♪ That 3'3" bundle of dynamite
♪ Baby June!
-Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
Hello, everybody.
My name is June.
What's yours?
♪♪
♪ Let me entertain you
♪ Let me make you smile
♪ Let me do a few tricks
♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪
♪ I'm very versatile
♪ And if you're real good
♪ I'll make you feel good
♪ I want your spirits to climb ♪
♪ So, let me entertain you
♪ And we'll have a real good time ♪
♪ Yes, sir!
♪ We'll have a real good time!
Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
[ Laughs ] Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
Oh!
[ Music stops ] [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music resumes ]
Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
You're very kind.
♪♪
You know, everybody has someone to thank for their success.
Usually, it's their mother.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or, sometimes, it's their father.
But tonight, I would like you all to join me
in giving thanks to an uncle of mine
and an uncle of yours,
the greatest uncle of them all,
our Uncle Sam!
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Whistle blows ]
[ "Anchors Aweigh" plays ]
[ Rhythmic percussion plays ]
[ "The Army Goes Rolling Along" plays ]
[ Rhythmic percussion plays ]
[ "Marines' Hymn" plays ]
[ Rhythmic percussion plays ]
[ "The Yankee Doodle Boy" plays ]
-Oh!
[ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays ]
Oh!
[ Finale plays ]
[ Music stops ] [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music resumes ]
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
Mr. Conductor, if you please!
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Down-tempo "The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays ]
[ Tempo increasing ]
[ Applause ]
[ Tempo increasing ]
Oh! [ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Oh!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Oh!
♪♪
[ Music ends ]
[ Alarm clock rings ]
-Come on! -Please!
-Mnh, not yet.
[ Yawns ]
[ Alarm clock rings ]
-Knock it off! -All right, all right.
-We're up, Madam Rose!
-Hey, it's not even 10:00 yet! -Geez!
-Turn it off! -Louise!
-Turn it off, Louise.
-I was having the loveliest dream
about a special day. -Shh!
-Well, my dream book says you dream about a day like that
-because -- -We wanna sleep!
-I just wanted to say that -- -Shut up!
-I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ]
-Ohh! -Louise!
-Geez! -Come on!
-How can you all sleep on such a beautiful day!
-Come on. -You woke up Mother.
-Oh, I didn't mean to, June, but today is, well, you know.
-Today is the one day we don't have to travel
and we don't have to rehearse.
-Which means we could sleep!
-Is Momma mad?
-She's in the bathroom, making coffee.
She says as long as she's up,
everybody come have some breakfast.
-Oh, great! -Thanks, Louise!
-Yeah, thanks so much! -I said I was sorry!
-What's wrong with you?
-Momma? Momma?
-Happy birthday!
-Surprise!
-♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday, dear Louise
♪ Happy birthday to... -♪ You!
-Flat. Make a wish.
Go on. Make a wish.
-I wish -- Oh, Momma, I wish...
-Oh, come on! -One, two, three...
-Make a wish.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Say, you know, that blanket that would make a good coat.
-Hey, there's only 10 candles on that cake.
-What do you care? You ain't gonna eat candles.
-But she only had 10 candles last year.
-And the year before that.
-Come to think of it, she's only had 10 candles --
-Stop right there!
As long as we have this act,
nobody is over 10, and you all know it!
[ Laughter ]
Excepting, of course, me and Herb--
Where is Herbie? [ Gasps ] I had a dream.
Tulsa, go across the hall. See what's keeping Herbie.
The rest of you, give Louise her presents
while I go see if the chow mein is warmed up.
-Chow mein? -It's my birthday.
-But chow mein for breakfast?
-Why not? There's egg roll, ain't there?
-Well if Madam Rose had paid us a salary,
maybe we coulda bought you presents, Louise.
But since it's more fun to clip from the five and dime...
It's a catcher's mitt and a big-league baseball.
-Thank you, Yonkers. [ Laughing ] Catch.
-Here's a real stuffed cat.
-I love it, Kansas!
-And I clipped a goldfish bowl.
And I'll give you the fish for Lent.
-Thank you, L.A. -L.A.
-Oh, June, what a beautiful package.
-It's a complete sewing set in a velvet-lined basket.
-I should have wrapped them.
-Oh, you don't have to wrap books.
-Well, happy birthday, Louise.
-Happy Birthday, Tulsa. -"Happy birthday"?
-Uh, I-I mean, you're welcome. [ Laughter ]
I-I-I mean, thank you.
-All right, there's one egg roll apiece, and no more.
-Herbie wasn't in his room, Madam Rose.
-He wasn't? -No.
-Where could he be?
-Momma, can I see my present from you, please?
-Well, it's from Herbie and me.
-It's not from Herbie. He's an agent. It's from you.
-Yeah, well, I picked it out, but Herbie paid for it
with his commission for a whole month.
-Herbie only makes the same salary we do, poor guy.
-Inside, you, and get the coffee!
Oh, here I am.
I'm busting to tell Herbie the dream I had.
-Momma --
-It's really in your honor,
coming on the very eve of your birthday.
Oh, Baby! You're gonna love it.
Children, you're all gonna love it --
it's a new act!
-Well, that ain't a dream -- it's a miracle.
[ Laughter ] -No egg roll.
In this dream,
I saw June singing a song in like a barnyard.
And then, a cow came onstage. -A cow?
-Oh, sex at last! [ Laughter ]
-No, no, not a real cow,
a dancing cow with a great, big smile.
And then that cow -- that cow leaned right over my bed
and spoke to me!
-What did the cow say?
-[ Bleats ] -Ah!
-Happy birthday, sweetheart! -[ Chuckles ]
-A little lamb! -Oh, Rose, you won't believe.
-Where've you been? That's what I want to know.
-Rose, Rose. This is Mr. Goldstone.
-Well, I ask you, Mr. Goldstone.
The child has a birthday once a year.
We plan a nice little party. I'm sorry the cake is so small.
-Mr. Goldstone is from the Orpheum Circuit.
-There's only one egg roll apiece
and some...fried...rice...
Enh.
-The act is booked on the Orpheum Circuit, Rose.
[ "Mr. Goldstone" plays ]
-♪ Have an egg roll
♪ Mr. Goldstone
♪ Have a napkin
♪ Have a chopstick
♪ Have a chair
♪ Have a sparerib, Mr. Goldstone ♪
♪ Any sparerib that I can spare I'd be glad to share ♪
♪ Have a dish, have a fork
♪ Have a fish, have a pork
♪ Put your feet up, feel at home ♪
♪ Have a smoke, have a Coke
♪ Would you like to hear a joke? ♪
♪ I'll have June recite a poem
♪ Have a lichee, Mr. Goldstone
♪ Tell me any little thing that I can do ♪
♪ Ginger-peachy -Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!
-♪ Mr. Goldstone
♪ Have a kumquat
♪ Have two
♪ Everybody give a cheer
♪ Santa Claus is sitting here
♪ Mr. Goldstone, I love you!
[ All cheer ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
♪ Have a Goldstone, Mr. Egg Roll ♪
♪ Tell me any little thing that I can do ♪
♪ Have some fried rice, Mr. Soy Sauce ♪
♪ Have a cookie
♪ Have a few
♪ What's the matter, Mr. G?
♪ Have another pot of tea!
♪ Mr. Goldstone, I love you
-♪ There are good stones and bad stones ♪
-♪ And curbstones and gladstones ♪
-♪ And touchstones and such stones as them ♪
-♪ There are big stones
-♪ And small stones
-♪ And grindstones
-♪ And gallstones
-♪ But Goldstone is a gem
♪ There are milestones
♪ There are millstones
-♪ There's a cherry, there's a yellow, there's a blue ♪
-♪ But we don't want any old stone ♪
♪ Only Goldstone will do
♪ Moonstone, sunstone
♪ We all scream for one stone
♪ Mr. Goldstone
♪ We
♪ Love
♪ You
Goldstone!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ "Little Lamb" plays ]
-♪ Little lamb, little lamb
♪ My birthday is here at last
♪ Little lamb, little lamb
♪ A birthday goes by so fast
♪ Little bear, little bear
♪ You sit on my right, right there ♪
♪ Little hen, little hen
♪ What game shall we play and when? ♪
♪ Little cat, little cat
♪ Ah, why do you look so blue?
♪ Did somebody paint you like that? ♪
♪ Or is it your birthday, too?
♪ Little fish, little fish
♪ Do you think I'll get my wish? ♪
♪ Little lamb, little lamb
♪ I wonder how old I am
♪ Little lamb
[ Applause ]
♪♪
-Hand me Louise's plate, June.
-Mother!
-We're paying for it, ain't we?
[ Chuckles ] You -- You'll get an ulcer like Herbie.
-Rose, did it ever occur to you
there might be somebody in this world
who doesn't like Chinese food?
-Oh, don't be silly. Who?
Well, don't you like it, Herbie?
-Sure, Rose. I love it.
-Aww! Did she? -Yes.
-Aww, that's a healthy-wealthy ladie-wadie!
-Ohh, God! -Herbie's angry.
-Oh, Herbie's never angry. It's bad for his stomach.
Come on, girls, beddie-bye. -It's so early!
-But you have the audition
for Mr. T.T. Grantziger at his Palace Theatre tomorrow,
and you have to look young.
-Can I wear a dress?
-You'd look old in a dress. Besides, you haven't got one.
-Good night, Uncle Herbie. -Good night, June.
Good night, Louise.
-Good night, Herbie.
-I'll cold-cream their faces and be right back.
-Rose, the hotel is only two doors away.
Honestly, sometimes you behave as though those -- Rose!
-We need new silverware.
Herbie, h-how long is it going to take you to get used to me?
-How long did it take me to get used to those coats?
-What's the matter with them? They're very stylish.
Louise is very handy with a needle.
Herbie, as the good Lord says,
an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
And it serves them right for overcharging.
[ Metal clinking ]
-[ Clears throat ]
They can skip the cold cream for one night.
Look, all this time we've been together,
you still stand up for me.
-Instead of standing up to you.
-I wanted to have dinner tonight, just the two of us.
What was I going to do with the girls?
They're babies.
-Rose, no matter how you dress 'em,
no matter how you smother 'em, they're big girls.
They're almost young women.
-They're not. and they never will be!
-I'm embarrassed in front of them.
When are you going to marry me, Rose?
-Now, don't forget to take our scrapbooks
over to Grantziger's tomorrow.
-When are you going to quit stalling?
Honey, don't you know there's a depression?
-Of course I know.
I read Variety.
-Well, don't you know what it's doing to vaudeville?
Don't you know what the talkies are doing to vaudeville?
Do-- Don't you know I love you?
-Do you think I'd be unfaithful to my husbands if you didn't?
But I have to think of my girls and their happiness.
-Louise is very happy being the rear end of a cow.
-She loves animals.
-She and June should both be in school.
-Oh, and -- and be like other girls,
cook and clean and sit and die?
Oh, honey, could I have a spoon to stir my tea?
I promised June she'd be a star, and she will be.
I promised I'd get her on the Pantages Circuit, and I did.
I promised I'd get her on the Orpheum Circuit and I did.
-I did, and you promised that,
after I did, you would marry me.
-I promised her she'd headline on Broadway.
-Didn't you hear what I said? -Yes, but I'm ignoring it.
Oh, thanks, honey.
[ Metal clanks ] [ Laughter ]
-You know, it isn't very polite
for a gentleman to remind a lady that she welched.
[ Chuckles ] There was no date on that promise.
-Rose, stop handing me that...bull.
-Don't. Your stomach!
Oh, Herbie.
Why don't you get angry on the outside,
instead of letting it settle in your stomach?
-I'm afraid. -[ Scoffs ] Of me?
-Of me. -What do you mean?
-If I ever let loose, it'll end with me picking up and walking.
-Only around the block. -No.
-Don't say that.
♪ You'll never get away from me ♪
♪ You can climb the tallest tree ♪
♪ I'll be there somehow
♪ True
♪ You could say, "Hey, here's your hat" ♪
♪ But a little thing like that
♪ Couldn't stop me now
♪ I couldn't get away from you
♪ Even if you told me to
♪ So go on and try
♪ Just try
♪ And you're gonna see
♪ How you're gonna not at all get away from me ♪
-Rose, what do you want? There are better agents.
-Not for me.
-Even weaker men. -Not for me.
-[ Chuckling ] Then what? -You.
Herbie, just help me like you've been helping.
Just let me get June's name up in lights so big,
it'll last my whole life.
-Rose, what you expect -- -I'll get!
And after I get it, I promise I'll marry you.
[ Gasps ] I even promise to keep my promise.
Herbie, please.
I don't want to upset anything before the audition tomorrow,
including your stomach.
♪♪
-♪ Rose, I love you
♪ But don't count your chickens ♪
-♪ Come dance with me
-♪ I warn you that I'm no Boy Scout ♪
-♪ Relax a while
♪ Come dance with me
-♪ So don't think that I'm easy pickings ♪
-♪ The music's so nice -♪ Rose!
♪ 'Cause I just may some day pick up and pack out ♪
-♪ Oh, no, you won't, no, not a chance ♪
♪ No arguments, shut up and dance ♪
♪♪
-♪ I'll never get away from you ♪
♪ I could yell until I'm blue
♪ I'd give in somehow
♪ True
♪ You could say, "Hey, here's your hat"
♪ But a little thing like that wouldn't stop me now ♪
♪♪
-♪ I couldn't get away from you ♪
♪ Even you told me to
-♪ So go on and try
♪ Just try
-♪ Ah, Rose
-♪ And you're gonna see
-[ Chuckling ] ♪ Ah, Rose
-♪ How you're gonna not at all... ♪
♪ ...get away from me
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
[ Applause ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
-Yes, Mr. Grantziger.
Y-Y-Yes, I know,
but they're having a little difficulty with their scenery.
Well, wait till you see it.
-Now, keep the tempo up. Keep it bright.
-That's the mother.
No, I have told her.
-Well, hello, Mr. Grantziger.
Where is he?
-In his office at the top of the theater.
-Hi!
-It's a privilege to audition for you, Mr. Grantziger!
-Oh, yeah, and you're going to love us!
-That -- That is the agent.
He's nice.
-We're ready now.
-Oh, they're ready now, Mr. Grantziger.
Good luck.
-Thank you.
[ Grieg's "Morning Mood" plays ]
[ Birds chirping ]
-[ Yawning ]
[ "Dainty June and Her Farmboys" plays ]
-♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ Hey, look at the headline
♪ Historical news is being made ♪
♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ They're drawing a red line
♪ around the biggest scoop of the decade! ♪
♪ A barrel of charm
♪ A fabulous thrill
♪ The biggest little headline in vaudeville! ♪
♪ Presenting
♪ In person
♪ That 5'2" bundle of dynamite
♪ Dainty June!
-Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
Hello, everybody!
My name is June!
What's yours?
♪♪
♪ I have moo cow, a new cow, a true cow ♪
♪ Named Caroline
-♪ Moo moo moo moo
-♪ She's an extra special friend of mine ♪
-♪ Moo moo moo moo
-I like everything about her fine.
-♪ Moo moo moo moo
-♪ She likes to moo in the moonlight ♪
♪ When the moody moon appears
♪ And when she moos in the moonlight ♪
♪ Gosh, it's "moosic" to my ears ♪
♪ She's so "moosical"
♪ She loves a man cow, a tan cow ♪
♪ Who can cow her with a glance ♪
-♪ When he winks at her, she starts to dance ♪
♪ It's what grown-ups call a real romance ♪
♪ But if we moved to the city
♪ Or we settled by the shore
♪ She'd make the moooooooooooove ♪
♪ 'Cause she loves me more
♪♪
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
Oh!
[ Music ends ] [ Applause ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
-Yes, Mr. Grantziger.
Oh, right.
Dainty June, will you come out for a minute?
Now, come along. Hurry up. Hurry up.
Downstage. Don't waste time.
Now, face front, dear.
Profile.
Thank you very much.
That's all.
-No, we have a great dramatic finish!
-I'm sure. But Mr. Grantziger --
-Oh, hit it! What are you talking about?
[ Both shouting indistinctly ]
-♪ Broadway, Broadway
-[ Shouting indistinctly ]
-♪ We've missed it so -Oh!
-♪ We're leaving soon and taking June ♪
♪ To star her in a show
♪ Bright lights
♪ White lights
♪ Rhythm and romance
♪ The train is late
♪ So while we wait
♪ We're gonna do a little dance ♪
[ Rhythmic clacking ]
♪♪
-♪ Broadway
♪ Broadway
♪ How great you are!
♪ I'll leave the farm with all its charm ♪
♪ To be a Broadway star
♪ Bright lights
♪ White lights
♪ Where the neons glow
♪ My bag is packed
♪ I've got my act
♪ So all aboard, come on, let's go ♪
♪♪
-All aboard!
-Whoo-whoo!
Watch this! It's a train!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Goodbye!
Goodbye, Caroline!
Take care!
Don't forget to write!
Goodbye!
Wait! Stop the train!
Stop the music!
[ Music stops ] Stop everything!
I can't go to Broadway with you.
You.
-[ Gasps ] Oh, but why not, Dainty June?
-Because everything in life that really matters
is right here.
-Moo.
[ Laughter ]
-What care I for tinsel or glamour
when I have friendship and true love?
I'm staying here with Caroline!
[ Music resumes ] -Yay!
[ "The Stars And Stripes Forever" plays ]
[ Music stops ] [ Cheers and applause ]
[ "May We Entertain You?" plays ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Music slows, ends ]
-[ Chuckling ] Yes, Mr. Grantziger.
[ Breathes sharply ]
What?
He liked it.
Yes, sir, if that's what you want.
[ No audio ]
[ Laughter ]
If you and your tribe would follow me up to the office,
I will make out the contracts.
-Me and my what? -Rose!
-Oh, you -- you won't be sorry, Mr. Grantziger!
This is gonna make ya!
♪♪
[ Telephone rings ]
-Yes?
No, Mr. Grantziger is busy.
He's gone down to the stage.
Your mother and your agent
are still reading over the contracts.
They won't be much longer.
She's gotta eat sometime.
Say, woman to woman, how old are you?
-9.
[ Laughter ]
-9 what?
-9 going on 10.
-How long has that been going on?
-Miss Cratchitt,
I think Mr. Grantziger's made a mistake in this contract.
-So do I.
[ Telephone rings ]
Yes? -Happy, girls?
-Yes, Momma. -No.
-We auditioned for Grantziger's Palace.
This is for Grantziger's Variety.
-That's right.
-But the Variety is way down on 14th Street.
-He'll give you a visa to get there.
[ Telephone rings ] Yes?
-I'd like to talk to Mr. Grantziger.
-No. I told you -- he has down on the stage.
-This the way? -Wait a minute.
You can't disturb him while he is holding auditions.
-Then I'll wait.
-[ Sighs ] Listen, friend.
Strictly between us,
if I were you, I would sign that contract.
There's only one item in that act of yours the boss likes --
Dainty Little June.
He thinks she can be an actress.
-He's right. -Can be if...
-If what?
-If she goes to school for a solid year
and takes acting lessons.
He's ready to pay for everything...
-[ Laughs ] -...on one condition --
you stay away.
-Stay away? I'm her mother!
-You said it. I didn't.
-What about the act? -One week at the Variety.
-But June is the act!
How is it supposed to go on without her?
-Rose, we could --
-How are Louise and I supposed to live?
-You might get a job, dear.
-I have a job, dear, and I do it damn well!
My daughters are my job, and I got two of them!
-Momma, if June --
-June's my baby! I'm her mother!
[ Telephone rings ] -What are you do--
Don't answer that phone when I'm yelling at you!
Nobody knows June like I do,
and nobody can do for her what I can!
-Mother, this is my chance to be an actress.
Mr. Grantziger could make me a star!
-You are a star!
And I made you one!
Who's got clippings like she has?
Books full of 'em!
She doesn't need lessons
any more than she needs Mr. T.T. Grantziger!
-There isn't a person in show business
who doesn't need Mr. Grantziger.
-Then, take a good look at this person!
-Rose.
-Oh, they are so smart in New York!
-New York is the center of everything.
-New York is the center of New York!
There's a whole country full of people who know people
and who know what a mother means to her daughter!
It's hicks like you who don't know!
-What?! -And you know something else?!
Grantziger's a hick! -[ Scoffs, laughs ]
-He'll get no place... -Rose!
-...because he's trying to take my baby away from me!
Well, over my dead body, he will!
-But come back here! You cannot go down there!
Come back right now!
-No.
[ Laughter ]
Momma's just talking big, June. She won't really --
-Yes, she will.
-Maybe Mr. Grantziger will make --
-No, he won't. [ Scoffs ]
Well [laughs] that's show business.
-Aren't you happy someone that
like Mr. T.T. Grantziger thinks you can be a star?
-You're funny. -Why?
-You're never jealous.
-Oh. Well, I don't have any talent.
I don't mind, really,
except Momma would like it better if I did.
-I guess that's what she likes about me.
[ Sighs ] But Momma's no fool. I'm not a star.
-You are.
-I'm not!
Mr. Grantziger could make me one.
-Momma can make you a star, too.
-Momma can do one thing --
she can make herself believe anything she makes up,
like with that rhinestone finale dress you sewed for me.
Momma wants publicity,
so she makes up this story that three nuns went blind sewing it.
Now she believes it.
Oh, she even believes the act is good.
-Isn't it?
-It's a terrible act, and I hate it.
I've hated it from the beginning,
and I hate it more now.
[ Scoffs ] I hate pretending I'm 2 years old.
I hate singing the same awful songs,
doing the same awful dances,
wearing the same awful costumes.
I didn't mean it about the costumes.
-You just meant that you're too big for them now.
-Do you ever feel like you don't have a sister?
-Sometimes. -It's Momma's fault.
-You can't blame everything on Momma.
-Well, you can't, maybe.
I just wish she'd marry Herbie and let me alone.
-Herbie doesn't want to marry her.
All he cares about is the act.
-Oh, honest, Louise. -Well, he's an agent!
-Your mother isn't feeling well.
I'll take her back to the hotel.
Don't worry, June. I'll get you a good booking.
-I wish Momma would marry a plain man,
so we could all be together.
-If Momma was married...
-♪ If Momma was married, we'd live in a house ♪
♪ As private as private can be
♪ Just Momma, three ducks, five canaries, a mouse,
♪ Two monkeys, one father, six turtles, and me ♪
♪ If Momma was married
-♪ If Momma was married, I'd jump in the air ♪
♪ And give all my toe shoes to you ♪
♪ I'd get all these hair ribbons out of my hair ♪
♪ And once and for all, I'd get Momma out, too ♪
♪ If Momma was married
-♪ Momma, get out your white dress ♪
♪ You've done it before
-♪ Without much success
-♪ Momma, Godspeed and God bless ♪
♪ We're not keeping score
♪ What's one more or less?
♪♪
♪ Oh, Momma, say yes
♪ And waltz down the aisle while you may ♪
-♪ I'll gladly support you
♪ I'll even escort you
-♪ And I'll gladly give you away ♪
-♪ Oh, Momma
♪ Get married today
-♪ If Momma was married, there wouldn't be any more ♪
♪ Let me entertain you
♪ Let me make you smile
♪ I will do some kicks
Oh! [ Laughs ]
-♪ I will do some tricks
-Sing out, Louise! -Oh!
Smile, Baby!
[ Both laugh ]
♪ Momma, please take our advice ♪
♪ We aren't the Lunts
-♪ I'm not Fanny Brice
♪ Momma, we'll buy you the rice ♪
♪ If only this once
-♪ You wouldn't think twice
♪♪
♪ It could be so nice
♪ If Momma got married to stay
-♪ But Momma gets married
-♪ And -♪ Married
[ Both laugh ]
-♪ And never gets carried away
♪ Oh, Momma
♪ Get married today
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-That's pretty fancy footwork, Tulsa.
Why don't you show it to Madam Rose?
-I'm not that good, Herbie. It's just foolin' around.
-Tulsa, you started fooling around about three months ago,
Right after Mr. Grantziger canceled our contract.
-Well, the thing is, Herbie -- -Why, Tulsa?
-Well, I -- -He's just had more time,
like that two-week layoff in Albany.
-And the layoff in Rochester.
-And the layoff in Niagara Falls.
-It's okay, Herbie.
-I thought maybe you were worried about the act.
-Oh, no.
-'Cause the way things are pickin' up,
why, I wouldn't be surprised if you kids got paid.
Matter of fact, they're good enough right now
for me to treat you to an ice-cream soda.
-No, thank you.
-Chow mein?
-Momma doesn't like us to eat just before a show.
-Louise, there's something your Momma knows I wish you did --
I like her.
-Herbie...
Nothing.
-Tulsa, if you or any of the boys have any problems,
you bring 'em to me, will you?
-Sure, Herbie.
-You didn't tell him anything, did you --
I mean, that you're rehearsing a dance team act?
-How did you know I was working on an act?
-I saw you practicing Monday after the matinee,
with your broom for a partner.
I was up in the flies.
-Louise, please. -I won't tell anybody, Tulsa.
I'm very secretive, just like you.
Well -- Well, that's what this means here in your palm.
And this -- it means you make up dreams, like me.
-Well, what do you make up dreams about?
-People. -Oh, I do that, too.
-Yes, but yours are about a partner for your act.
-She's gonna be more than a partner, I hope.
I mean, I dream that, one day...
[ Chuckles ]
Well, you know...
[ Chuckles ]
-What would she have to be like, Tulsa?
A wonderful singer and dancer, I guess.
-Oh, no. I'm going to do most of that.
Oh, I don't mean I'm going to hog it all,
but they always look at the girl in a dance team,
especially if she's pretty.
-Makeup can help and costumes.
-I've got the costumes all figured out --
a blue satin tux for me. -With rhinestone lapels.
-You think? -I'll sew them on.
-Secret?
-Secret.
-Okay.
I pretend I'm at home, getting dressed for a date.
I take a comb, comb my hair.
I take a flower, smell it...
[ Sniffing ]
...and put it in my lapel.
Then I spot the audience.
♪ Once my clothes were shabby
♪ Tailors called me Cabbie
♪ So I took a vow
♪ Said, "This bum'll be Beau Brummell" ♪
♪ Now I'm smooth and snappy
♪ Now my tailor's happy
♪ I'm the cat's meow
♪ My wardrobe is a wow
♪ Paris silk
♪ Harris tweed
♪ There's only one thing I need ♪
♪ Got me tweed pressed
♪ Got my best vest
♪ All I need now is the girl
♪ Got my striped tie
♪ Got my hopes high
♪ Got the time and the place, and I got rhythm ♪
♪ Now all I need's the girl to go with 'em ♪
♪ If she'll Just appear
♪ We'll take this big town for a whirl ♪
♪ And if she'll say, "My darling, I'm yours" ♪
♪ I'll throw away my striped tie ♪
♪ And my best-pressed tweed
♪ All I really need is the girl ♪
♪♪
I start off easy...
♪♪
Now I'm more [breathes sharply] debonair.
♪♪
[ Clicks tongue ]
Break!
-[ Laughs ]
♪♪
-And I sell it here.
I start this step, see? -Uh-huh.
-Build it.
Double it.
♪♪
And she appears...
dressed all in white.
I take her hand, kiss it...
[ Smooches ]
...and lead her on the floor.
♪♪
Steps are good for the costume.
Astaire bit.
♪ Ya-da, da-da
♪ Da-da-da da-da
♪ Now we waltz
♪ Strings come in
♪♪
And I lift her!
Again!
Once more!
[ Tempo slows ]
[ Tempo increases ]
And the tempo changes.
[ Tempo increasing ]
And the lights come up!
And I build for the finale!
Louise, come over here!
That's it. Follow me!
-Oh! [ Laughs ]
-That's my girl.
Charleston!
[ Both laugh ]
Again! [ Laughs ]
Do it again!
♪♪
-Oh! Tulsa!
Oh!
[ Finale plays ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Don't lower yourself to argue, Herbie.
If those rats want to quit, let them quit.
They want their train tickets back?
Give them their bus tickets back.
What's keeping those girls?
-There's plenty of time, Rose.
-And you say they're old enough to take care of themselves.
-Look, fellas, I know we had a couple of layoffs in the last --
-It ain't that, Herbie. -Then what is it?
-We're too old.
-Would you be too old if Madam Rose and I
could see our way to increasing your salary?
-Increase what salary?
-Herbie's been paying us.
-Moron! -Herbie!
-How long is it going to take you to get used to me, Rose?
-Button your coat.
Ingrates!
You take the bread out of that man's mouth
and spit it in his face!
Well, as the good Lord says, good riddance to bad rubbish.
Give 'em their bus tickets, Herbie.
They were both rotten in the act, anyway.
-Okay.
-Thanks, Herbie.
Only we'd like tickets for all the fellows.
-All of them? -Well, they asked us.
-You're all leaving?
-Yes, sir...Herbie.
-Something's funny.
Something's very funny here.
-Why, Kansas?
-What's this all about?
-Okay, if you're all going, you're all going. Just --
-Where've you been?
Where's June?
Louise, where's June?
Don't give me any of your poems to read.
Just answer me!
-June wrote this to you.
-What for? What's she writing me for?
-Momma, read it.
[ No audio ]
-She eloped.
-She didn't elope, stupid.
They got married three weeks ago.
-Who got married?
-June and Tulsa,
only they hadda wait till their act was ready
before they took off.
-And it's a keen act. Ain't it, Louise?
-I've never seen it.
-We ain't rats, Herbie.
We just know that, without June, well, the act's --
-Where'd they go?
-Well, first they got a club date in Kansas City.
-Big mouth!
Could we have the tickets now, please, Herbie?
We gotta get moving.
See, we fixed up an act of our own --
-Here. Get moving.
-Don't be sore, Herbie.
Geez, it ain't our fault the act's all washed up.
-Hey, fellas...
good luck.
-Thanks, Herbie. Good luck to you.
-Good luck, Louise.
-Good luck.
-Good luck, Madam Rose.
Come on, L.A.
-Rose, honey, even if we...
Honey, listen.
I can go back in the candy business.
It's steady -- 52 weeks all year, every year.
I-I'll work my fingers to the bone.
I'll do twice what I did before, and that was pretty fair.
See, I could be district manager,
and we could stay put in one place.
Louise could go to school.
Rose?
Rose, honey, you still got Herbie.
You could marry me, and I promise you,
you won't have one single worry for the rest of your life.
Don't you want that?
-Oh, yes!
[ Chuckling ] Oh, Momma, say yes!
Herbie.
[ Sniffles ]
-It's okay.
You read palms. I read minds.
Honey, honey, it's going to be fine.
Everything happens for the best.
Okay, the act is finished.
But you, me, and our daughter --
we're going to have a home --
say, we've even got a cow for the backyard.
-[ Laughs ]
-Why, we're going to be the best damn family that ever --
-I'm used to people walking out.
When my own mother did it, I cried for a week.
Then your father did it,
and the man I married after him did it,
and now...
Well, this time, I'm not crying.
This time, I'm apologizing...
to you.
I pushed you aside for her.
I made everything just for her.
-No, Momma.
-And now she says
I can't make her the actress that she wants to be.
The boys walked because they think the act is finished.
They think we are nothing without her.
She is nothing without me!
I'm her mother, and I made her!
And I can make you now!
And I will, my baby. I swear I will.
I'm going to make you a star!
I'm going to build a whole new act all around you.
It's going to be better than anything we ever did before,
better than anything we even dreamed!
-Rose, listen! -No, no, no, no, no.
You're right, Herbie -- it is for the best,
'cause that old act -- that was getting stale and tired,
but the new one --
Look, look at the new star, Herbie!
She's going to be beautiful!
She is beautiful!
Finished?
♪♪
We're just beginning
and there's no stopping us this time.
♪ I had a dream
♪ A dream about you, baby
♪ It's gonna come true, baby
♪ They think that we're through ♪
♪ But, baby
♪ You'll be swell
♪ You'll be great
♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪
♪ Starting here, starting now
♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪
♪♪
♪ Clear the decks
♪ Clear the tracks
♪ You've got nothing to do but relax ♪
♪ Blow a kiss
♪ Take a bow
♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ Now's your inning
♪ Stand the world on its ear
♪ Set it spinning
♪ That'll be just the beginning ♪
♪ Curtain up
♪ Light the lights
♪ You got nothing to hit but the heights ♪
♪ You'll be swell
♪ You'll be great
♪ I can tell
♪ Just you wait
♪ That lucky star I talk about is due ♪
♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ for me and for you
[ Tempo slows ]
♪ You can do it
♪ All you need is a hand
♪ We can do it
♪ Momma is gonna see to it
♪ Curtain up
♪ Light the lights
♪ We've got nothing to hit but the heights ♪
♪ I can tell
♪ Wait and see
♪ There's the bell
♪ Follow me
♪ And nothing's gonna stop us till we're through ♪
♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses and daffodils ♪
♪ Everything's coming up sunshine and Santa Claus ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be bright lights and lollipops ♪
♪ Everything's coming up roses
♪ For me and for you
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Ready, Louise? -Yes, Momma.
-Ready, girls? -Yes, Madam Rose.
-Now don't let the past discourage you.
Remember, you're artistes of the theater!
♪ Do-do-do-do do-do-do
Madam Rose's Toreadorables!
♪♪
[ Rhythmic clacking ]
-♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ Hey, look at the headline
♪ Historical news is being made ♪
[ Rhythmic clacking ]
♪ Extra! Extra!
♪ They're drawing a red line
♪ around the biggest scoop of the decade ♪
♪ A barrel of charm
♪ A fabulous thrill
♪ The biggest little headline in vaud-e-ville ♪
-Now sell it! Come on, sell it!
-♪ Presenting
♪ In person
♪ That 5'4" bundle of dynamite
♪ Señorita Louise
-And that's when you come on, Louise. That's when you...
♪♪
[ Laughter ] -Olé, everybody.
My name's Louise.
What's yours?
-Well, it's coming along.
[ Laughter ]
-Momma, I'm just no good at it.
-Oh, Don't be silly. Come on, let's try the finale.
If you have a big, strong finish,
they'll forgive you for anything.
Y-- You're late.
Now, come on now, girls. Make it stirring.
♪ Do-do-do-do do-do-do
♪♪
[ Up-tempo music plays, rhythmic clacking ]
[ Finale plays ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Laughter ]
-They're tired.
You better go up to the tent, girls, get ready for bed.
-Good night, Madam Rose.
-Night-night, Louise. -Good night, Momma.
-Now, don't forget to write your mothers...
for money.
How'd you make out in town?
-Not even a lodge hall.
-They're too damn un-American down here -- that's the trouble.
We better talk about heading up north
after I tell them their bedtime story.
-Once upon a time, there was a prince named Ziegfeld?
-It could happen.
Anyway, everybody needs
something impossible to hope for.
-Rose, why do you make Louise wear that wig in the act?
-It makes her look more like... a star.
-And why do we keep the cow?
-Herbie, if that cow goes, I go!
The act can be fixed.
I-If I was doing it for June, it'd be all set.
-But you're not, and I'm not June.
-Now, Louise, nobody expects you to be.
-Momma, I've tried as hard as I could.
The -- The act's rotten, and I'm rotten in it.
-How do you like that? Typical of a kid.
-No, I've been waiting to s-- -Always impatient!
-Momma!
-A few break-in dates don't go too hot.
-Momma, I am not June! -No, I --
-I am not blond! I can't do what she did!
-She isn't asking you to.
-Maybe you want to stay in show business.
-Maybe?! -Well, I thought --
-That is our whole life!
What've we been working for
ever since you were a baby?
That's a foolish remark from a foolish girl.
I promised my girl she'd be a star, and she will be.
And maybe I've been on the wrong track with you and the material,
but as the good Lord says,
you gotta take the rough with the smooth.
And like I always say,
you're lucky because you don't have to take it alone.
Right, Herbie? -Right.
-You got Herbie for brains, we got you for talent,
and you both got me to yell at.
♪ Wherever we go, whatever we do ♪
♪ We're gonna go through it together ♪
♪ We may not go far
♪ But sure as a star
♪ Wherever we are, it's together ♪
♪ Wherever I go, I know he goes ♪
♪ Wherever I go, I know she goes ♪
♪ No fits, no fights, no feuds, and no egos ♪
♪ Amigos
♪ Together
♪ Through thick and through thin ♪
♪ All out or all in
♪ And whether it's win, place or show ♪
♪ With you for me and me for you ♪
♪ We'll muddle through whatever we do ♪
♪ Together
♪ Wherever we go
♪♪
♪ Wherever we go, whatever we do ♪
♪ We're gonna go through it together ♪
♪ Wherever we sleep
♪ If prices are steep
♪ We'll always sleep cheaper together ♪
-♪ Whatever the boat I row, you row ♪
-♪ A duo
-♪ Whatever the row I hoe, you hoe ♪
-♪ A trio
-♪ And any I.O.U. I owe, you owe ♪
-♪ Who, me?
♪ Oh, no, you owe
-♪ No, we owe
-♪ Together
-♪ We all take a bow
-♪ Including the cow
-♪ Though business is lousy and slow ♪
♪ With Herbie's vim, Louise's verve ♪
-♪ Now all we need is someone with nerve ♪
-♪ Together
-♪ Wherever
-♪ Together wherever we go
-[ Laughs ]
Herbie, come on.
-♪ If I start to dance
-♪ We both start to dance
-♪ And sometimes, by chance, we're...
-♪ Together
-♪ If I sing B-flat
♪ Oh
-♪ We both sing B-flat
-♪ Oh
-♪ We all can be flat
-♪ Oh
♪ Together
-♪ Whatever the trick, we can do it ♪
-♪ With teamwork, we're bound to get through it ♪
-♪ There really isn't anything to it ♪
-♪ You do it, I knew it
-♪ We blew it
♪ Together
-[ Laughs ]
-♪ When the audience boos
-♪ We don't drop our cues
-♪ We always can use what they throw ♪
-♪ The fruit may fly, but why complain? ♪
-♪ Tomato sauce goes great with chow mein ♪
-♪ Together
-♪ Wherever
-♪ Together
♪ Wherever we go
-Here are the letters, Madam Rose.
-Oh, that's a good girl. Now go to bed, Agnes.
-Now that I'm an actress, it's "Amanda."
[ Chuckles ]
-Whatever it is, go to bed.
-Could I ask Herbie a question first?
-Sure.
-Herbie, do you think we'll ever work again?
-Of course we will!
-I'll get us a booking, Ag-- Ag--
ah, Amanda.
-Thank you, Herbert.
[ Chuckles ]
Louise, your hair!
-It's yours if you want it.
-Gee, I always wanted to be a blonde!
-Well, get some peroxide and a toothbrush.
Wigs are expensive.
-Yes, ma'am.
-Say, we could get a good refund for this
if we'd ever paid for it.
-How about a gallon of peroxide and a carton of toothbrushes?
-What for? -Make 'em all blondes!
-I was joking, Herbie. -But why not do it?
-Because they're children, Louise!
-They're young girls, Momma.
With blond hair, they could be pretty young girls.
-It would sure jazz up the act, make it easier to sell.
We could call it "Madam Rose and her Blonde Babies."
-Baby Blondes!
-Nothing with babies.
-Hollywood Blondes. -[ Chuckling ] Yes!
-Oh, but all blonde except you, 'cause you're the star.
-Well, if I'm the star,
it should be Louise and her Hollywood Blondes.
-Rose-Louise and her Hollywood Blondes.
-Okay.
-♪ We go in a group
♪ We tour in a troupe
♪ We land in the soup, but we know ♪
♪ The things we do, we do by threes ♪
-♪ A perfect team
-No, this way, Louise.
♪ Together
-♪ Together
-♪ Wherever
-♪ Together
♪ Wherever we go
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-It's a real live theater!
-Let in the traveler!
-With a real live stage!
-Oh, Marjorie May, we've arrived at last.
-Louse! Louise, look!
-A real live theater!
-Kill them floods!
-Oh, it's just like opening day rehearsals used to be.
Oh, Momma's going to love it.
[ Laughter ] -Will you kill them floods?!
-Will you shut your hole?!
-She isn't going to love that.
-[ Gasps ] -Or that.
-What kind of an act is that?
-Okay, jailbait.
So, you must be the Hollywood Blondes.
-Yes. I'm Ros-- -You're late.
-Well, our car broke down. -Skip it.
Some of you dogs can use this dressing room,
and the rest of you -- the one up there.
Now this one you share with Tessie Tura, Texas Twirler.
-My mother doesn't like --
-The other with Mazeppa, Revolution in Dance.
Now, shake it up.
So, uh, you're the act
that's supposed to keep the cops out, huh?
Boy, you must be lousy.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Voice breaking ] He reminds me of my brother!
-Don't start sniveling, A-- Amanda.
Here. Take the cow and anything else you can carry in there.
Marjorie May, you take the other girls into the second room
and start unpacking.
-[ Gasps ]
Oh! Look at this!
Well, that Tessie Tura must be a very fancy lady.
[ Laughter ]
-She must also be a pig.
-Louise? -In here, Momma.
-Oh! -Let me help you.
-Oh, baby, we're back in a theater!
We're back in a real theater!
-Momma, where's Herbie?
-He went around front to check our billing.
Good morning!
-Oh, Jesus!
[ Sighs ]
-It ain't weighted right! ...it!
It scratches the hell out of me,
and it just don't bump when I do.
-Maybe there's something wrong with your bumper.
-Oh, big joke.
I'm out there, bumpin' my brains out with no action at all,
and she's bein' witty!
Hey, you with the neck!
I paid six bucks for that G-string.
Now, back where you found it! -Yes, ma'am.
-Get the bags. Get the cow.
-Get the props. -Now, Momma --
-You don't know what kind of people
are out there on that stage.
You don't know what kind of theatre this is.
-Yes I do. It's a house of burlesque.
-A house of burlesque. Do you know what that is?
Filth -- that's what!
I tell you, when your friend Herbie shows his face --
-Momma, I'm sure Herbie didn't know.
-Oh, not much he didn't know. Agnes!
-He got the booking over the telephone.
-Agnes! -We were all so happy.
-Agnes, damn it!
-Madam Rose, you know my name is Amanda.
-Your name is Agnes,
and I want you and the other girls out of this hell hole
in two seconds flat. -But, Madam Rose --
-March! -Yes, ma'am.
-You take the front end of the cow, I'll take the rear,
and what bags we can't carry,
your friend Herbie can damn well carry himself.
[ Breathing heavily ]
-Now, listen to me, Louise.
Just because you think your friend Herbie can do no wrong --
-This has nothing to do with Herbie.
-You don't know what burlesque is.
-Yes, I do.
-No, you don't.
No daughter of mine is going to work in burlesque,
and no daughter of any woman I know.
-Then where are we going to work?
Momma, how much money do we have?
Including what's left of their allowances,
how much money do we have?
-Something'll turn up.
-It has turned up, and this is it.
Momma, we're flat broke.
We've got to take this job.
Even if you wanted to quit and go home,
we'd have to take it.
-I had a dream.
-Oh, Momma.
-No, you'll like this one.
I had it over a week ago, but I didn't want to tell.
I was home in Seattle, and the cow came into my room.
Only this time, she wasn't smiling and dancing.
She was wheezing and sad-like.
And she came right over to my bed
and looked at me
and said, "Rose...
moo-ve over."
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sorry, Momma.
-Why? She didn't tell you to move over.
-I mean I'm sorry I'm not good enough in the act.
-It's the -- It's the act that ain't good enough, baby,
or s-something. I --
-Rose? -In here, Herbie.
-Rose, I didn't know. Believe me.
-I do, honey. I do.
Aah!
Come on, what the hell?
It's only two weeks, the money's good,
and maybe by that time, something'll turn up, right?
-Right. -You're a nice girl, Rose.
Thank you. -Well, that's show business.
-One good thing -- I'll bet we got top billing.
-No. We're featured, though. -Second?
-Actually, they had us lost in the middle.
I thought last was better, and so it says,
"And Rose-Louise and Her Hollywood Blondes."
I'm making them put a box around it.
They'll use lots of pictures.
-Forget the box, Herbie. Forget those pictures.
-But, Momma, if --
-No, you don't know what they say in the business,
but Herbie does.
They say, when a vaudeville act plays in burlesque,
that means it's all washed up.
Herbie, nothin's gonna turn up for us, is it?
-No.
-I guess it's a pretty rotten act.
-It ain't the act, honey.
I been telling you, vaudeville's dead --
stone-cold dead.
-Well, we sure as hell tried!
-Well, we sure as hell did.
-Nobody can say we didn't last right up to the very end.
-Well, they sure as hell can't. -Right?
-Right. -Right.
Well, I better get the cues ready.
-Herbie, how about marrying me?
-Sure.
[ Laughter ]
-I love you, you know? -I know.
-Do it today.
-Not while we're in burlesque!
-The day we close.
-It's a deal.
Oh, I do, Herbie. I do. I do. I do.
-So do I, Rose. So do I.
-Hey, Rose Louise,
where the hell are your music and light cues?
-Yeah, I'll be right with you.
-Oh. You're Rose Louise?
-[ Chuckling ] Yeah, I'm Rose Louise.
-Well, things're looking up.
But I got a show to open, Rose-Louise, so move your ass!
-Listen, you little punk. -Whoa!
-For the next two weeks,
you're gonna speak like a Sunday-school teacher.
You have something in this theater
you've never seen before --
a lady.
That is a lady.
That is also a lady.
Every girl in this damned act is a lady -- you understand?
-Y-Yes, sir.
-Now get onstage, and I'll give you the cues when I'm ready!
-Yes, sir. Uh. Excuse me, ma'am.
[ Chuckles ]
-[ Breathes sharply ]
-Oh, sir?
Won't you give me your protection?
I'm a lady, too!
Hey! The...thing worked!
-No. No, no, no, no. -Aw.
-Well, if you ladies will excuse me...
-Yeah, we're very busy. -In my dressing room.
-Your dress-- -Momma.
-You're damn right,
and I don't like sharing it any more than you do,
Particularly with a troupe of professional virgins.
-We are not --
-Oh, all right, so you're acrobats.
-We happen to be headliners from the Orpheum Circuit.
We were booked into this theater by mistake.
-Weren't we all?
Say!
Who made that?
-I did. I make all our costumes.
-Oh, my!
Look at all them ladylike little stitches!
That miserable broad who's been makin' my gowns
must be usin' a fish hook!
-What do you pay her?
-25 bucks a gown, and I provide the material.
-30. -She's new in the business.
-30. -Who are you -- her mother?
-Yes. -Oh!
30.
And I'll get the material after the matinee.
-It's a deal. Where's your toreador costume?
-The girls must have it in the dressing room with them.
-God knows what else they got in there with them!
-She's your mother?
-[ Chuckling ] Yes, she's my mother.
-Tessie, I'm short a talking woman.
-Tough...
-Aw, Tessie, the new comic won't use a chorus girl.
-Then let him use Mazeppa.
[ Chuckles ] Everyone else has.
[ Laughs ]
-Now, you know Mazeppa's got her Gladiator Ballet
just before his spot.
-Cut the ballet. It stinks, anyway.
-Oh, be a sport. I'm in a bind.
-You're always in a bind in this flea-bitten trap!
I'm a strip woman, slob.
I don't do no scenes.
Now, screw!
Have you ever heard of a first-class strip woman
playing scenes?
Well, you play stock in a dump like this,
you gotta expect to be insulted.
-The work is steady, ain't it?
-Yeah, but you bring in a new star for each show, don't you?
-Aw, Tessie, it's just a few lines.
-Fat boy, save your bad breath.
-I'll give you 10 bucks extra.
-Nah.
-Excuse me. I can read lines.
-Who're you? -Rose Louise,
of Rose Louise and her Hollywood Blondes.
-Wait a minute. What kind of lines?
-You in her act? -Not exactly.
-Shut up. How are your legs?
-Great! And I'll learn her the scenes.
-Okay, 10 bucks.
-It's money, Momma.
-What's she going to be saying out there on that stage?
-The same burlesques crap that's been said since the Year One.
Say, where you been all your life?
-Playing vaudeville.
-Where? The Vatican?
[ Laughter ]
-You name a big city -- we've played it.
-My grandpa says we've covered the country like gypsies.
-Yeah? Well, you may be a gypsy, Rose Louise --
Hey!
Now, that ain't a bad name if you ever take up stripping.
-She won't.
-No, but you'll let her feed lines to a bum comic
for a lousy 10 bucks.
-That's training -- she's going to be an actress.
This is only temporary.
As soon as we finish here,
she goes straight back to vaudeville!
-Vaudeville, my eye.
There ain't no vaudeville left except burlesque.
-We know. -Oh, you know.
You better wise her up. -She's wise.
She's a damn sight wiser than any of you.
-Oh, like mother, like daughter.
Say, whose feelings did I hurt -- yours or hers?
-Neither. We'll both be fine.
-Gee, I hope so,
because sharing a dressing room is like sleeping together.
And if -- -Miss Tura!
I'll thank you not to give the boss
any notion that I would ever play scenes!
And one more "disasparaging" remark about my ballet
will find this bugle right up your --
-Please!
There is a lady present. -Where?
-Oh, open your eyes instead of your mouth!
-Oh!
-Gypsy, meet Miss Mazeppa and Miss Electra.
-Say, you're even younger than I was
when I began stripping.
-Oh, I'm not going to strip.
-Something wrong with stripping?!
-No. I-I just meant that I don't have any talent.
-[ Laughs ] -You think they have?
[ Laughter ]
Well, I myself, of course, was a ballerina.
But take it from me -- to be a stripper,
all you need to have is no talent.
-You'll pardon me, but to have no talent is not enough.
What you need to have is an idea that makes your strip special.
-♪ You can pull all the stops out ♪
♪ Till they call the cops out
♪ Grind your behind till you're banned ♪
♪ But you gotta get a gimmick
♪ If you wanna get a hand
♪♪
♪ You can sacrifice your sacro
♪ Workin' in the back row
♪ Bump in the dump till you're dead ♪
♪ Kid, you gotta get a gimmick
♪ If you wanna get ahead
♪♪
♪ You can...
♪♪
♪ That's how burlesque was born ♪
♪♪
♪ So I...
♪ And I...
♪♪
♪ But I do it with a horn
[ "Reveille" plays ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ "Reveille" continues ]
[ "Reveille" ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪ Once I was a schlepper
♪ Now I'm Miss Mazeppa
♪ With my Revolution in Dance
♪♪
♪ You gotta have a gimmick
♪ If you wanna have a chance
♪♪
-♪ She can, unh...
♪ She can, unh...
♪ She can, unh, unh, unh...
♪ They'll never make her rich
♪ Me, I, unh...
♪ And I, unh...
♪ And I, unh, unh, unh...
♪ But I do it with a switch
[ Drum roll ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Drum roll ]
Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
[ Drum roll ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
♪ I'm electrifying, and I'm not even trying ♪
♪ I never have to sweat to get paid ♪
♪ 'Cause if you got a gimmick
♪ Gypsy, girl, you've got it made ♪
♪♪
-♪ All them...
♪ And them...
♪♪
♪ Ain't gonna spell success
♪ Me, I...
♪ And I...
♪♪
♪ But I do it with finesse
[ Orchestral music plays ]
Unh!
[ Laughter ]
[ Orchestral music plays ]
Unh!
[ Orchestral music plays ]
♪♪
Unh!
♪ Dressy Tessie Tura
♪ Is so much more demurer
♪ Than all them other ladies
♪ Because
♪ You gotta get a gimmick
♪ If you wanna get applause
♪♪
-♪ Do somethin' special
-♪ Anything that's fresh'll
-♪ Earn you a big, fat cigar
-♪ Do somethin' special
-♪ Anything that's fresh'll -♪ Earn you a big, fat cigar
-♪ You're more than just a mimic ♪
♪ When you get a gimmick
♪ Take a look how different we are ♪
Oh!
♪♪
Whoo!
♪♪
-♪ If you wanna make it, twinkle while you shake it ♪
-♪ If you wanna grind it, wait till you've refined it ♪
-♪ If you wanna bump it, bump it with a trumpet ♪
-♪ Get yourself a gimmick
♪ And you, too
♪ Can be a star
[ Finale and trumpet play ]
[ Music stops ] [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Music resumes ]
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause continue ]
-Kill them floods and bring in the number four!
-I told ya we ain't usin' number four in this show, ya pinhead!
-Hey, you seen Amanda?
-Well, no. She must be packin'.
And ain't your act through today?
-Oh, you bet it is -- through, finished, over.
-Mm, yeah.
-Oh, hey, I've been looking for you.
Here. -Oh, Herbie.
It's like for a funeral.
-It's for the wedding.
Madam Rose and I want you to be bridesmaid, Amanda.
-No, it's Agnes again.
-You'll be happier as Agnes, Amanda.
[ Laughter ]
-Aw, you're leavin'?
-I gotta go home and let my hair grow out.
-Aw, ya poor kid.
-Tessie!
-Ohh! Hey, one last time.
[ Laughs ]
-♪ Meet you 'round the corner
♪ In a half an hour
♪ Whoo!
[ Both laugh ]
-[ Crying ] -Oh, come here.
-Tessie! -I'm coming, ya creep!
♪♪
-Why aren't you nervous?
I've never been so nervous in my whole life.
-You've never been married before.
-Well, your mother's never been married before
the way she's going to be this time --
for keeps and forever -- to me.
Ain't you a little bit nervous, honey?
-Sure.
-Say, does the minister keep this?
I want to have this framed --
framed and hanging on our living-room wall.
-What about this, Momma?
-Take it.
-We can hang her up in the living room, too, Herbie,
over the mantelpiece.
-Oh, Rose, honey,
it ain't that I don't know how you're feeling
or that I don't know I oughta keep my mouth shut.
But I'm so...happy, I can't.
-I don't know why the hell I stay in this business.
-I'm finally getting everything I wanted,
even a fancy ceremony with bridesmaids.
-If it ain't one damn headache, it's another.
-Shh! They'll hear you out front.
-It's my theatre, ain't it? Let 'em!
-Of course, what the minister's going to say
when he gets a load of all that yellow hair, I don't know,
but the hell with him!
-Last show, no talking woman. -Shh!
-Show before that, no second banana.
If that crazy broad wasn't here,
why did you start the performance?
-She's not on till next to closing,
and she said she was only goin' next door to the drugstore.
-What'd they arrest her for -- shoplifting?
-No, soliciting.
-She always was greedy.
Cut the spot.
-Honey, do you think we should invite the minister
for a drink after?
-But it's the star strip! -Cut it.
-But they'll yell bloody murder
if they're only seeing the same old bags
they've been seeing for the past eight weeks.
The star's the novelty!
-Whaddya want me to do -- let you strip?
-My daughter can do it -- Rose Louise!
-Well, since when?
-Ever since she's been here to see how little there is to it.
-She didn't look bad in them scenes.
-She'll look great in her own gowns.
-And what's the gimmick?
-She's young. Got any better ideas?
-Well, she better get ready right damn now.
-It's the star spot.
-You telling me?
-That means the star salary.
-If we keep her.
-Oh, you will.
She's going to be wonderful!
Oh! I knew something would turn up!
Where's that dress you were making for Tessie?
It'll work perfect for you!
Come on. Come on.
Get your makeup on. There ain't much time!
Oh, silly, you're not really gonna strip.
All you'll do is walk around the stage in time to the music
and drop a shoulder strap at the end.
You're a lady, like Herbie says you are.
You just parade so grand,
they'll think it's a big favor if you even show them your knee.
Oh, Louise, it's the star spot!
I always promised my daughter we'd be a star!
Baby, it's all right to walk out when they want you,
but you can't walk out now,
when, after all these rotten years, we're still a flop.
That's quitting.
We can't quit because we're a flop.
Don't be like June!
You...do this...
so we can walk away proud because we made it!
Maybe only in burlesque,
and maybe only in second-rate burlesque, at that,
but let's walk away a star!
[ Breathing quickly ]
-Okay. Come on.
I guess there ain't enough time to finish the dress,
but we'll -- we can just pin it.
And the -- Oh, look.
There's some material here --
we could use that for extra panels.
Oh, didn't I tell you you were born lucky?
So you can just -- You just unpin 'em
and then drop 'em every once in a while,
so they'll think you're taking something off.
Now, not too much makeup, baby.
Young and girlish.
Pure.
Don't smear that junk all over your face like they do.
And, ah, ah, ah.
Keep your mouth the way the Lord made it.
And no -- no rouge.
No beauty marks.
No, you be a lady --
grand, elegant, with a classy, ladylike walk.
Shoes.
Oh, my God. Shoes, shoes.
Yeah, come on. These are Tessie's.
They'll do for this performance. Get into them.
No! No, your hair is wrong.
You can't let it just hang like spaghetti.
Put it back!
It's got to have class.
F-Fluff it out in front.
Oh, thank God the Lord gave you good color
and that you washed it this morning.
Say, do you think we should put in a couple of feathers in it?
For the -- To put...
No, no. That's what they all do.
Oh, jewelry!
Yeah. No, no, no. No jewelry.
Let Tessie and the others wear all the vulgar junk.
-Is she almost ready?
'Cause she goes on in five minutes.
-Yeah, she'll be there. She'll be there!
Come on, come on! Get into the dress.
[ Breathing heavily ] Whose are these?
Huh?
-Oh, oh...
[ Laughing ] That's my --
That's my wedding present from Tessie.
They would be good for a lady.
You can wear them.
What else?
Oh, music, music.
What have we got here?
Spanish. No.
Military? No.
Cow?
No.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, s-say, you can do June's "Let Me Entertain You"!
But then I could mark it
for the conductor to repeat two choruses slow and --
no, 2 1/2 choruses slow.
And sing out, Louise.
You just walk and dip.
My girl's a lady.
You make 'em beg for more,
and then don't give it to them.
Now, anything --
Oh, where have you been -- out front?
-No, I got sick to my stomach and threw up.
-Yeah, but you feel better now. -No.
-Herbie, I just had to.
-That's why I'm leaving.
-I apologize.
-No, let me for my resemblance to a mouse --
no, no to a worm -- the way I've crawled after you.
Well, no more, Rose. I won't.
I was even going to crawl away from you
because my stomach started to turn over
at the idea of coming back here
and telling you that we're finished.
-Yeah, tell me tomorrow after we're married.
-We're never getting married, Rose.
-Yeah, we certainly are, first thing in the morning --
-Never!
Not if you got down on your knees and begged!
Oh, I still love you,
but all the vows from here to Doomsday --
they couldn't make you a wife!
I want a wife!
I'm going to be a man if it kills me!
-Oh, so you're killing me?!
-Nobody can kill you!
-So, what -- you are jealous,
Just like every man I've ever known?
Jealous, because my girls always come first.
Well, they always did, and they always will!
-Then why did June leave?
-I don't wanna hear her name!
-She didn't want the act any more than Louise wants this!
-No, Louise does!
-She'll leave like June did!
-Never! She is gonna be a star!
-She's gonna be a star.
If it kills you and her, she's gonna be a star someplace!
Where are you gonna be when she gets married?
-What are you talking about?
-She won't be getting married for years.
She's a baby! -Sure.
-Anyway, her career will always come first.
-That's right.
That is right!
-Herbie, why -- why does everybody always walk out?!
-Maybe...Louise won't.
-Oh, don't!
[ Crying ] Don't.
[ Sniffles ] Don't leave, Herbie.
I need you.
-What for?
-A million things.
-Just one would be better.
Goodbye, honey.
You...
You be a good girl.
-You...
[ Sniffles ] You go to hell!
-Oh, oh, come on. Get that music to the conductor.
And -- And you better stand next to me for the lighting cues.
I sure hope you know what you're doing.
-I'll take this to the conductor.
Just remember -- you're a lady.
And you are going to be a star!
[ Door slams ]
♪♪
-I'm going out front. -No, Let's watch from the wings.
-What's she gonna do? -She ain't the type.
-She'll never make it. -Oh, how do you know?
-She'll quit halfway through.
-I'm scared for her.
♪♪
-Momma...
I'm pretty.
I'm a pretty girl, Momma.
♪♪
-You look beautiful!
-Here! For luck, honey!
-Are you nervous?
-What?
-I said, "Are you nervous?" baby.
-No, Mother.
[ Burlesque music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wichita's one and only burlesque theatre presents...
-Momma!
-...Miss Gypsy Rose Lee!
-No! It's Louise!
[ "Let Me Entertain You" plays ]
[ Music stops ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ "Let Me Entertain You" plays ]
-♪ Let me entertain you
♪ Let me make you smile
-Sing out, Louise!
-[ Louder ] ♪ Let me do a few tricks
♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪
♪ I'm very versatile
♪ And if you're real good
♪ I'll make you feel good
♪ I want your spirits to climb
♪ So let me entertain you
♪ And we'll have a real good time ♪
♪ Yes, sir
♪ We'll have
♪ A real good time
♪♪
-Do something!
-Dip! Dip!
♪♪
-Take something off.
-Momma!
-A glove -- give 'em a glove.
-[ Whistles ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Say something!
-Hello, everybody.
My name is Gypsy Rose Lee.
What's yours...sir?
-[ Wolf-whistles ] [ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Mr. Conductor...
if you please.
♪♪
♪ Let me entertain you
♪ And we'll have a real good time ♪
♪ Yes, sir
♪ We'll have
♪ A real good time
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The Alhambra Theatre
of Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love,
brings all you brothers a Liberty Bell
you'll want to ring and ring and ring!
♪♪
-♪ Let me entertain you
♪ Let me make you smile
I'm beginning to like this. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, I like that. I think I'll do that again.
[ Laughs ]
My mother... who got me into this business...
always told me make 'em beg for more...
and then don't give it to them!
But I'm not my mother.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, if you beg for more...
I'll give it to you.
♪ And we'll have
♪ A real good...
[ Gasps ]
-The Hope Diamond Burlesque of Detroit
presents a new jewel in our glittering crown --
that shimmering, shattering young star --
Miss Gypsy Rose Lee!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Let me do a few tricks
♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪
♪ I'm very versatile
Were you waiting, fellas?
Sorry. I had to have dinner with the Henry Fords.
God, I couldn't wait to get home and take my clothes off.
♪♪
Well...I'm h-o-ome!
♪ And we'll have
♪ A real good...
♪♪
-And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Minsky's World Famous Broadway Burlesque
presents the undisputed queen of the striptease,
the one and only, the now and forever
incomparable Miss Gypsy Rose Lee
in our Salute to the Garden of Eden!
♪♪
-Pack up your apples, girls, and back to the trees.
♪♪
Ah.
Bonsoir, messieurs et messieurs.
Je m'appelle Gypsy Rose Lee,
et je suis dans le jardin de ma mère -- Eve Minsky.
And that concludes my entire performance...
in French.
I've been too busy learning Greek.
♪♪
[ Chuckles ] Where were you last night?
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Some man accused me of being an ecdysiast.
Do you know what that means?
♪♪
Oh, he does.
Oh, don't be embarrassed.
I like men without hair.
-[ Wolf-whistles ]
♪♪
-Don't worry, fellas. I know you're up there.
Up there, you know what "ecdysiast" means.
♪♪
An ecdysiast is one who sheds its skin --
In vulgar parlance, a stripper.
But fellas, at these prices, I'm an ecdysiast.
♪♪
♪ So, if you're real good
♪ I'll make you feel good
♪ I want your spirits to climb
♪ So let me entertain you
♪ And we'll have a real good time ♪
♪ Yes, sir
♪ We'll have
♪ A real good
♪ Time
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
[ Music ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Now, Miss Rose.
Miss Rose, did you not see that sign?
-Sure, I saw the sign.
If I can read fine print in our contracts,
I can certainly read letters two feet high --
"The mother of Miss Gypsy Rose Lee
is not allowed Backstage at this theater."
You know what I did with that sign?
-Don't. Don't. -I tore it right off the wall,
spread it out on the floor,
and let Chowsie III down on it.
That dog's a trouper. She knew what to do!
It'll take more than signs to keep me out of a theater.
-Now, please, Miss Rose, if you could just --
-That goes now.
-You need something to remind you
that your goal was to be a great actress,
not a cheap stripper.
-June's the actress, Mother.
And I am not a cheap stripper --
I'm the highest paid in the business.
Bring my press agent in as soon as he gets here.
-Yes, madam. -Thank you.
-Aren't you going to take your bath?
-Yes, Mother.
-Well, why are you fixing your face?
-A photographer's coming.
-Well, where's he going to photograph you --
in the tub?
-Eventually.
-Louise! -It's for Vogue.
-Vogue?! I better get out our scrapbooks.
-Phil's taken care of that.
-Phil is a rotten press agent.
He never tells them that we headlined the Orpheum Circuit.
[ Telephone rings ] I've got it. I can --
-Hello?
Hello.
No, it's difficult right now.
-I'm not leaving!
[ Laughter ]
-I'll see you at the party.
Yes, I promise.
[ Chuckles ]
à bientôt.
-A bien what?
-I guess I am being a little...
But, Momma, I love it.
-All right, so, who's giving the party?
-Some friends.
-In the old days, I was always invited first.
I wouldn't go, anyway, even if I did have something to wear.
I got more important things to do,
like thinking up a new idea for a strip for us.
-Mother, we're still stuck with that wind machine you bought
to blow my clothes off.
Actually...
I'm putting in a new number on Saturday.
-What is it?
-You'll see. -I'll see?
-Let me surprise you.
-Oh. [ Chuckles ]
These days, you are just one big surprise after another.
We better go shopping tomorrow for the material for the gown.
-I have a French lesson tomorrow.
-Oh. Well, I'll go alone.
Any particular color you have in mind?
-Mother, I have already started to make the gown.
-Oh.
Well, I better run your bath.
-You don't have to. That's what I've got a maid for.
-Let me do something, damn it!
-What, Mother? -A million things.
I'm not a baby. -Neither am I.
-Don't take that tone with me.
Your sister used to get that edge to her voice --
-I am not June!
-No, and you're not Louise, either!
-And neither are you.
-[ Chuckling ] Oh, yes, I am --
more than you, Miss Gypsy Rose Lee,
with your dirty pictures for Vogue!
-Mother.
-And your maids and your press agents,
your fancy friends, your fancy parties!
-They happen to be --
-Your loudmouth mother ain't invited to those...parties
'cause they laugh at her!
-They don't. -They do!
And don't think I don't know
that's one reason why you don't want me backstage --
so I won't hear 'em laugh.
Well, it's them you oughta keep out, not me,
'cause they're laughing at you, too!
You, the burlesque queen who speaks lousy French
and reads book reviews like they was books!
-Turn it off, Mother.
-Do you know what you are to them?!
A circus freak! This year's novelty act!
And when the bill is --
-I said turn it off!
Nobody laughs at me because I laugh first at me!
Me, from Seattle!
Me, with no education!
Me, with no talent, as you've kept reminding me my whole life.
Well, look at me now -- star!
Look how I live. Look at my friends.
Look where I'm going! I am not staying in burlesque.
I am moving -- maybe up, maybe down --
but wherever it is, I am enjoying it!
[ Sighs ] Momma, I am having the time of my life
because, for the first time, it is my life,
and I love it.
I love every second of it,
and I'll be damned if you're going to take it away from me.
I am Gypsy Rose Lee.
I love her.
And if you don't, you clear out right now!
[ Knock on door ]
-Your press agent is here with your photographer.
-Tell him I'll be ready in a minute.
Momma, we can't go on shouting
seven performances of this a week.
-The whole family shouts.
It comes from living near the railroad.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, I'm getting an ulcer.
-Oh, you think I'm not?
-Yes, I think you're not.
And if you want an ulcer, Momma, get one of your own.
You can't have mine.
-Everybody has stomach trouble but me.
-Mother, you have fought your whole life. I wish you'd --
-You need more mascara on your left eye.
-Momma, you have got to let go of me!
-Let go?
-I'll give you anything you want...
-You need me! -...a house, a farm, a school,
a dramatic school for kids -- you were always great with kids.
-I'm a pro,
not some old workhorse you can turn out to pasture
just 'cause you think you're riding high on your own!
-Momma, no kid does it on their own,
but I am not a kid anymore!
From now on, even if I flop, I flop on my own!
[ Knock on door ] -Hey, Gyps, what do you say?
-"So long, Rose" -- that's what she says.
"Don't slam the door as you leave."
-Hi, Rose.
Gyps, baby, may I present to you Monsieur Bougeron-Cochon?
-Enchanté, Monsieur.
-Enchanté.
[ Chuckles, smooches ] -Oh!
-Let's make with the oiseau, kiddies.
One before you take the plunge.
-Yes. -All set? Fine!
-All right, there's just one thing I want to know.
So, all the working and the pushing and finagling,
all the scheming and the scrimping,
all the lying awake nights figuring,
how we gonna get from one town to the next?
How do we all eat on a buck?
How do I make an act out of nothing?
What'd I do it for?!
Huh?!
You say I fought my whole life for your whole life.
So, now, tell me -- what'd I do it for?!
-I thought you did it for me, Momma.
-Uh, come on. Smile, Gyps.
-Sorry. -Show us your talent.
-Yes. -That's it!
Uh-huh. Beautiful.
♪♪
-"I thought you did it for me, Momma.
I thought you did it for me, Momma.
I thought you made a no-talent ox into a star
because you like doing things the hard way, Momma."
And you haven't any talent!
Not what I call talent!
Not an ounce of it, Miss Gypsy Rose Lee.
I made you!
And -- And you wanna know why?
You wanna know why I did it?
Because I was born too soon and started too late --
that's why.
With what I have in me,
I could've been better than any of you!
What I got...
[ Voice breaking ] ...in me...
what I've been holding down inside of me...
...if I ever let it out,
there wouldn't be signs big enough.
[ Breathes sharply ]
There wouldn't be lights bright enough!
Here she is, boys!
♪♪
Here she is, world!
♪♪
Here's Rose!
♪♪
♪ Curtain up
♪ Light the lights
Play it, boys!
♪♪
♪ You either got it
♪ Or you ain't
♪ And, boys, I got it
♪♪
♪ You like it?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
♪♪
-Well, I got it!
♪ Some people got it
♪ And make it pay
♪ Some people can't even give it away ♪
♪ This people's got it
♪ And this people's spreading it around ♪
♪ You either have it
♪♪
♪ Or you've had it
♪♪
Hello, everybody.
My name is Rose.
What's yours?
How'd you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?!
♪ Hold you hats and hallelujah
♪ Momma's gonna show it to ya
♪♪
♪ Ready or not
♪ Here comes Momma
♪ Momma's singin' out
♪ Momma's doin' fine
♪ Momma's gettin' hot
♪ Momma's goin' strong
♪ Momma's movin' on
♪ Momma's all alone
♪ Momma doesn't care
♪ Momma's lettin' loose
♪ Momma's got the stuff
♪ Momma's lettin' go
Mnh.
♪ Mo--
♪♪
♪ Momma's got the stuff
♪ Momma's got to move
♪ Momma's got to go
♪ Momma's got...
♪ Momma's...
[ Music slows, stops ]
[ Crying ]
[ No audio ]
♪ Momma's got to let go
[ Drum roll ]
♪♪
♪ Why did I do it?
♪ What did it get me?
♪ Scrapbooks full of me in the background ♪
♪ Give 'em love, and what does it get you? ♪
♪ What does it get you?
♪ One quick look as each of 'em leaves you ♪
♪ All your life, and what does it get you? ♪
♪ "Thanks a lot" and out with the garbage ♪
♪ They take bows, while you're battin' zero ♪
♪♪
♪ I had a dream
♪ I dreamed it for you, June!
♪ It wasn't for me, Herbie!
♪ And if it wasn't for me
♪ Then where would you be
♪ Miss Gypsy Rose Lee?!
♪ Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? ♪
♪ Don't I get a dream for myself? ♪
♪ Starting now, it's gonna be my turn ♪
♪ Gangway, world, get off of my runway! ♪
♪ Starting now, I bat a thousand ♪
♪ This time, boys, I'm takin' the bows ♪
♪ And...
♪ Everything's coming up Rose
♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ This time for me
♪♪
♪ For me
♪♪
♪ For me
♪♪
♪ For me
♪♪
♪ For me
♪♪
♪ For me
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Cheers and applause fade ]
-You really would have been something, Mother.
-Think so?
-If you had had someone to push you like I had...
-If I could've been, I would've been.
And that's show business.
I guess I did do it...for me.
-Why, Mother?
-Just wanted to be noticed.
-Like I wanted you to notice me.
-[ Crying ]
-It's okay, Momma.
-[ Sobbing ]
-Shh, shh.
-[ Sniffles, sobbing ]
-It's okay...Rose.
-Mnh.
[ Crying ]
You look like you should speak French.
[ Laughter ]
-You're coming to that party with me. Come on.
-What -- like this?
-Wear my stole.
I have another in the box office.
-Maybe just for an hour or two.
[ Laughter ]
Looks better on me than it does on you, I think.
Funny how we can both wear the same size.
-Especially in sable.
[ Slow music plays ]
-You know, I had a dream last night.
It was a big poster of a mother and daughter,
like the cover of that ladies' magazine.
-Yes, Mother?
-Only it was you and me, wearing exactly the same gown.
It was an ad for Minsky,
and the headline said...
[ Music stops ]
..."Madam Rose"...
♪♪
..."And Her Daughter, Gypsy"!
♪♪
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause intensify ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
♪♪
[ Finale plays ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-To find out more about "Gypsy"